Midcycle.. number 9

 

 Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright... the baby is swinging away, Martha is tucked into her bed after another tumultuous suppertime and I'm here... with quiet music on, the Christmas tree tucked into the corner keeping me company and lending a comforting, still, aromatic and seasonal presence to the room.  It's the Christmas season, it's descending upon us with great speed - the stores are filled with decorations and holiday music and there are lights popping up everywhere and we tend to get caught up with the busyness of the season - so many articles are written about trying to tame the crazy Christmas season and to remember the reason for the season.
      And though our house is slowly beginning to look a lot like Christmas, it's a different flavour this year.  It's a bit more of a sobering flavour, a bit of a dark reality that lurks just beyond the glow of the lights.  The knowledge of what we are facing, what we are battling, what has been placed on our path this year.  Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of the day that I went in for surgery to remove this monster lurking inside my gut, this faceless yet insidious intruder who has been causing havoc and chaos inside my body.  And I still hate it - I HATE IT!  Let's be real, let's be honest.  I wish so fervently that this reality was not part of our life, that it was not the enemy that we are facing, that it is not threatening my very life in its quiet, spreading tentacles.  I am so glad that I am here, as a result of that surgery, to celebrate this Christmas 2017, that it was caught just in the nick of time and didn't cause more damage than it did, I'm thankful for capable doctors, for the treatments I am receiving but I'll be honest, I want more, I want to be here next Christmas to watch my daughters faces as they delight in the glow of the Christmas tree, I want to be able to share silly Christmas poems with my family, I want, I want.... and yet, I realize, we have been given much... we've been given time, we've been given Ava Grace, we've been given such overwhelming love and community that sometimes my heart bursts from it... and yet... and yet.... how our human nature takes over and wants more, more time, more memories, more peace, more certainty.
     But we know that each day is a gift, each day is a new time to live in the season of God's grace, to remember that He loves us despite our what ifs and our buts and our yets...He has come with grace to this world, to bring forgiveness for all our hidden sins and our selfishness and our unrest and I need to remember that Christ too asked for the cup to pass from him... and yes, I would love to be able to pass this cup, to ignore the bitterness of the suffering that we face daily in our struggle against cancer.  I am thankful that He took up that cup, that he drank down to the dregs and suffered that we might have eternal life... I think maybe I'm appreciating that sacrifice more and more this year as I have been faced with my mortality and the face that our lives are temporal.
    How have I been doing?  People ask that question constantly.  I'm not always sure what to say to be honest.  I often say "we're doing okay... we're coping"  And yes, that's the reality.  There's always reminders of the medications that are supposed to be bringing this cancer under control... the numbness in my mouth, the tingling in my fingers and toes with cold and with fine movements, the burning on my palms, the constant gurgling and upsets in my stomach, the emotional ups and downs that are constantly present.  I am thankful that I still have my hair - it lends a certain anonymity to daily life - I'm not marked as a cancer victim by a head scarf or a wig but yet, there is a certain falseness to that too - it's sometimes a lot to constantly hear that "you look great" when reality is that your insides are churning and your head is starting to feel overwhelmed and forgetful and spacey.    And I wonder when I will finally start feeling as bad as maybe I should be feeling?  Maybe the medication isn't working as well as it should if I'm not feeling that badly?  Oh, I know that we have lots of medications to make things feel better and I'm super thankful for them, don't get me wrong there.  And mentally, knowing that there are three more cycles and then a CT that looms in the middle of January, in the bleak midwinter lends a certain foreboding to the new year.  And still we step forward, knowing we are not alone, knowing that there is a plan for us, even if we don't see the path under the snows of this winter, knowing that we are loved and surrounded by prayer and support each and every day and mostly by the love of our Saviour.