Milestones

   

It's been a little while... I know... it's hard to find time to sit down and type out your thoughts when those thoughts are jumbled up due to chemo and a lack of sleep due to a certain small someone.  So if I am a bit rambly, please accept my humble excuses (i know, i know, no excuses). And maybe, sometimes, there just isn't anything to say or think or write.  But tonight I'm brought to thinking about milestones...those moments in life that we celebrate, remember, sometime sorrow over, maybe regret but nonetheless they are a part of the fabric and map of our life's journey.  And tonight, my milestone that I remember is the birth of our miracle baby, Ava Grace.  It's hard to imagine or believe that six weeks ago tonight, we were finally settled in our hospital room and learning all about our new little girl after having gone through a marathon 46 hours of labour and delivery events.  I sometimes ponder writing a book about our experiences on those days but for now, I'm going to let that sit in the wings amongst all the other projects I've got in my head to do. Six weeks ago, God was with us as we welcomed our second daughter into the world and into our arms.  He had brought us thus far and continues to walk with us on our journey, a journey made so much richer in the knowledge that Ava is here, safe and sound and healthy and (mostly) happy.  She is feeding well, loving her bottles and making it abundantly clear when she is feeling like we are depriving her of her due in formula.  She tends to slop a lot while drinking her bottles, something that we warn all our helpers about when they volunteer to feed her.  But she has a healthy appetite, wanting to get her little tummy filled about every 2-3 hours.  She has been spending more time lately awake, much to my chagrin when her timing isn't so impeccable and she decides that 4:30 am is a great time to be wide awake and why isn't Mom in agreement with my plan?  So, yes, no real routines yet, other than the feeding schedule.  Sleep is preferred in the arms of whoever is near and dear to her, and she often scorns her little bassinet and makes it clear that she prefers either our bed or to be held.  It's a little hard to deny her these pleasures though I know full well that we will pay for it - Martha wasn't sleeping through the night until she was over a year and even then it was a challenge when she woke in the middle of the night as she inevitably did nearly every night like clockwork at midnight or whenever we were ready to go to sleep.  How do these little ones know?  I swear they have little internal sensors that know just when Mom and Dad are most exhausted!  

     But to be honest, we have help overnight now on the weeks of chemo seeing as the first cycle hit me like a tonne of bricks and to be up with a new baby on top of that was exhausting.  It's hard juggling the parent role and the spouse role and the patient role and who am I anyways anymore?  Am I really a nurse?  Am I a dedicated Mom if someone else is always helping me with my kids?  And the answers to these questions are the things that I wrestle with...I am still a nurse, can't give that part up but maybe on hiatus for a while.  And yes, I am a dedicated Mom...but maybe one that just needs a bit more of a helping hand these days to cope.  We would love to be able to do things on our own, to be very honest and clear, but yes, we realize that everyone has their limitations and having the grace to accept help is important too.  So meals, cleaning, soup, cuddles, overnight sleepovers and prayers and cards are still big parts of our life right now.  

      Another milestone, we're nearly at the 6 month mark (what is it with these sixes?) of my initial diagnosis.  And yet, somehow that feels like years ago at times and sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday that those words echoed around the doctor's office with such horrific and devastating tones.  My heart will still drop out through my chest when I think about hearing that I have cancer.  It can't be, not me, not now, not while pregnant, not this type of cancer, not this advanced, not to us, please God, not to us.  And all the sorrow, despair, fear and anxiety come tumbling back into my mind and heart and it's hard to focus on the present.  

     Another milestone.. not a fun one...We are heading into cycle 9 of chemo next week.  How has this become our reality?  When will it end?  Will I be on chemo for the rest of my life?  Will this be effective?  All the questions too come tumbling through my mind and there are many nights of tears and sneak attacks of panic and fear.  I want to be here for my family, I want to be around to see my girls growing up, I want to spend so much time with my dear, dear husband who continually surprises and delights me with his insights, his care, his love and support.  I want, I want, I want... yet, what is it that God gives us?  He will walk with us in the valley of the shadow of death, He will be our shield and comfort, He will walk with us through the waters and they will not overcome us.  And my faith, weak as it is in moments of doubt and despair, is forced to look upwards in the midst of times of darkness and gloom and to know that there are bright moments in the darkness, those silver linings as we call them and I, even as I struggle, day by day, to make sense of this all, walk forward, little by little, encouraged, strengthened, shaped, molded and guided in the paths of righteousness.  

     

Photo credit - Lauren Schotsman

And other milestones, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries (our five year anniversary this year was spent in the hospital with a coffee as a gift in the fog of post-baby-delivery), special dinners and day to day moments.  And so we seek to find joy in the moments, to be encouraged by each other, and to walk forward in the paths that are set out for us - even if we don't know where they lead.  And in those moments of fear, doubt and temptation, to recognize our human frailties, sorrows, sins and struggles and to bring them before God, who always listens and hears, even if we don't always know why... or how.. or how long... or what....Be still and know that I am God...