Friday afternoon

   

   It's Friday afternoon... there's finally been a bit of rain to wash the dirt away from the plants and provide a bit of renewal for our dry, parched grass and suffering garden. Hard to believe that September has been warmer than August and that we've actually had our air conditioner on for more of this month than much of the whole rest of the summer.  In a way, the summer has been an odd one.. for so many reasons actually. 
     Our lives were turned upside down and transformed by news that rocked us, shaped us, has molded us into totally different and yet the same people that we were before that fateful day in May.  Once a summer to look forward to camping and beach days and vacations, we were plunged into a vortex of doctor's appointments, visits, tests, surgeries, home care, chemo and so many worries and concerns about our little Ava Grace.  How our lives were turned upside down and inside out... leaving much of our life exposed for many to see, and yet, turning other things inside out so that they were hidden from those around us... all those secret fears that lurk in the dark, that attack when we are vulnerable and tired and worn out to the bone with worry.  Our faith life has deepened way beyond what it was, we have been grown and stretched and tested beyond our wildest dreams. 
     I think that sometimes we believe that we are entitled to happiness, to a carefree life, to having things go the way that we expect them to go, and then we are broadsided when things aren't quite what we imagined, or anywhere near what we imagined in our darkest thoughts and moments.  As I spoke with my counselor today (never would I have thought those words would cross my lips), she pointed these things out and we talked about how to overcome those ideas of entitlement and believing that we deserve to be free from suffering.  Yet we know we live in a sin-torn world, we are faced with this day in and day out, crazy weather patterns, illness seemingly all around, so many sad stories.  We are forced then to rely on our only port in the storm, our anchor in the wild seas, our refuge in times of trouble - we call on Jesus, who has suffered before us, who has gone through hell and back and who loves and cares for us even when we don't think it's possible or real or true.  He upholds us, gives us strength when we are weak, is the treasure that we seek when there is nothing else around us that satisfies.   I pray that I may cling to Him even as bad news trickles in from friends and family about struggles, even as I contemplate the family featured on the front pages of the Hamilton Spectator this morning, with their huge struggle and loss of their mother and youngest sibling in a situation I can identify with, in some ways and not in others.  I am grieved and moved for these strangers who have been caught up in this terrible situation and I pray that they too may somehow find that rock that is higher than I...
     I know it's been a few days since the last update...to be honest, after the news from the liver ultrasound and the hope that brought us, we've been in a bit of a quieter spot.  We have no appointments with our oncologist now until after the CT scan on the 20th... we will see him on the Monday following (I begged once again for a quick followup to avoid the long wait and the agony of waiting).  So now, our care is solidly in the hands of our obstetrician.  We saw her on this past Monday - no ultrasound (felt kinda weird) but things were looking good - Ava was still head down, though not totally engaged yet,  my weight is slowly going up (though I imagine that will slow once she's born), and things were still all looking well with both of us.  Thankful as always for ready and willing chauffeurs, we proceed through the week with visits from friends and family, finishing our birthday celebrations in September with a birthday dinner to celebrate Timothy's upcoming 40th birthday (October 3) with a fancy dinner on Saturday night with friends, involving all sorts of Dutch food - so we'll see how the big feast turns out - to be honest, both of us have been pretty busy with this dinner in our thoughts and dreams, and Timothy has been spending a lot of time in the kitchen making preserves and other things for the dinner so that everything is perfect.  I love his enthusiasm and drive to make this a success and we are both looking forward to it.  I'm also happy for the cooler temperatures that have finally made an appearance in southern Ontario - 35 degree heat at the Ancaster Fair last weekend was a bit much when you're used to wearing jeans, boots and sweaters at the fair! 
    And so, a little bit of philosophizing, a little bit of rambling and a respite from chemo for a few weeks to allow things to heal up, sort themselves out, get feeling in my toes and hands and tongue again, and to enjoy our time getting ready to meet our Ava Grace - our true miracle and joy in our dark times.  We pray daily for her, hold our hands protectively over her in the womb and pray that soon we may meet this precious little Living Grace of ours, but really, a child of our heavenly Father whom we trust has been caring for her in ways we don't even know about all along.