Tuesday morning

What to say...what to write?  It's been a few days...and what's happened since then?  You'd think it would be easy to remember since I'm not exactly functioning on a super high maintenance schedule at the moment, eat,sleep, etc..but somehow, the days do manage to blur into each other and I find myself questioning "did that really happen today or yesterday and what did I really do today?"  Days are mostly filled with visits and time spent on the computer and taking naps and trying to keep my meds straight, but somedays are truly spent binge-watching a show or two on Netflix and feeling rather useless to the world and myself.  I think I might have to take up knitting as my mother has suggested.  Not sure who would want to buy my crooked knitting products - I remember the girls at work trying to teach me how to knit on night shift waaaay back when, when we used to occasionally get breaks to socialize on a shift, and always running to the end of a row and not having a clue how to turn around or cast off.  I do remember painfully finishing one square for one of the Wellwood quilts for cancer patients and feeling sorry for the poor soul who got my square in their blanket... my knitting career has not lasted as long as my nursing career.  17 years... that's where I was at... hired in 2000 not having a real clue about the world I was getting into.  Great co-workers to mentor me on, many of whom have since retired or moved on to other areas, leaving spaces for new nurses to show me new things and impress me with their speed and compassion.  I think when I went into my job, I really wasn't sure of myself... didn't know if I really wanted to be a nurse, but that evolved over time and I like to think I was in the place I was supposed to be - where God could use my gifts and talents, flawed as they were, to serve others who were going through difficult times.  Little did I know that I'd be on the receiving end of care and compassion from so many, especially over the last month and a half.  A welcoming smile, an encouraging hug from my home care nurse, a special visit from my midwife at home so I don't have to attend yet another appointment, a visit from a co-worker.  All these little encouragements are steps to help me along my difficult journey and please, if you work in health care at all, don't forget that!  That your patients are people with families, lives, feelings, emotions and fears and they love to be reassured by you, even if you don't feel all that confident yourself.  Or even to be vulnerable with us when times are tough, means a lot.
I wanted to share this because this week I was blessed, once again, to be a part of that great team in hematology.  This time as a recipient of care, a recipient of generosity and love, of "we can't fix your illness but we can be here to be a huge support".  I had to cry when my dear colleague showed up on Sunday evening bearing gifts for us that meant so much - a soft blanket to cuddle when feeling low, a special light to break the darkness, books for our dear daughter, gift cards to help us along our way and other special very thoughtful things.  It was super overwhelming but so amazing to see how much we are loved and how God uses these things too to encourage and bless us.   A special shout-out to the amazing hematology team!  Thank you is not enough, in the midst of the busyness and chaos of working, to be able to focus and built us up has meant so much!  Continue to do your jobs with care and compassion, seeing joy in the midst of difficulties.
What else?  Hmmm... I'm sure there are questions about chemo and side effects.  It's not been too awful, despite dire warnings from the drug sheets and my own fears.  It was a struggle to avoid cold things for the first 4 or 5 days, seeing as I'm pregnant and it's hot and I just want to eat popsicles but the one drug is bad for causing you to feel like your throat is closing up if you take anything colder than room temperature so that was avoided for that time period.  Now I'm thankfully back to eating ice cream and drinking cold drinks, however, the last few days have been a bit of a battle with nausea. No throwing up thankfully (I hate throwing up, well, really, Danielle, who likes that anyways?)  but just feeling a bit "off" and on the verge of something...So really trying to pick away at things and see how things go down, taking some anti-nausea meds here and there and trying to keep track of where things are at.  Lots of fatigue as well, difficult to know if that's chemo or baby but I'm leaning towards the former at the moment.  I go to see the oncologist this afternoon to get some bloodwork done and see where my "counts" are at.  Counts mean things like how your white blood cells (infection fighters), red blood cells(oxygen carriers) and platelets(blood clotters) are doing.  I don't expect to be there for a long appointment but there are always delays and I'm sure we'll be waiting.  My mom is coming with me and I'm so thankful that it has been possible to get rides and help to go to these appointments.  I just feel you never know if some information might come up that may be difficult to digest or shocking and then to be on your own would be terrible.  Timothy is able to come with me as much as possible but it's nice that there are so many willing helpers to assist on this journey - couldn't do it without you all!
And emotionally, yeah, where am I at?  Still plenty of daily ups and downs, not really wanting to think about being on chemo long term but knowing that a minimum of six months is required (with a break in there somewhere to allow Ava to be born) and then probably more.  Maybe very long term, maybe...All the maybes... all the uncertainties... all the what ifs and whys and whens... and no solid answers to any of them.  I met with the midwife this morning too and even to come up with a birth plan, some idea of how this will go, there are so many unknowns that its pretty much impossible.  We have to trust...trust that God has this in His plans and that ultimately He is in control.  And giving up that control, even if it's just a perceived idea of control, is difficult...And remembering the verse I read for devotions this morning "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  And clinging on to that God when the storm winds of doubt and fear beat against the house... and remembering the song we taught Martha "the wise man built his house upon the Rock and the rains came tumbling down and the house on the Rock stood firm."  So while we're tossed and buffeted by winds of change, disbelief and fear, we have to know where our feet are... and that even if we do sink in the waves, Jesus will carry us and pick us up out of the miry clay and bear the burden when we cannot.  I will share a little verse that my sister shared with me this morning...
Annie Johnson Flint He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater, He sendeth more strength when the labours increase; To added affliction He addeth His mercies, To multiplied trials His multiplied peace. When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done, When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father's full giving is only begun. His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His power no boundary known unto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus He giveth and giveth and giveth again