Less than 24 hours til C Day One

Less than 24 hours til Chemo Day One... day one of how many, wish we knew but that's an unknown really... up to six months worth and than a reassess of where we're at.  So back to the unknowns...that lonely forbidding territory in which we have been wandering a lot in the last month and a half.  Today is nearly a month ago that surgery happened... Time seems to have flown in some ways and in other ways, things have been slow... slow to improve, slow to accept, slow to realize that moving forwards is the only way to go.  We can't just stall and stay in neverneverland until I am finally ready... cause I might not ever be, really.  I've had an opportunity for a lot of good conversations with Timothy over this weekend, both of us being open and vulnerable to each other, sharing our deepest fears, anxieties, angers and hopes, fearful to think of the future and yet knowing that our futures are in the best hands possible.  That leaving, that trusting that we can leave things with God and that He will be and is faithful is sometimes so hard to do.  That letting go and letting God is true but no easy task.  Realizing that we have no strength on our own is humbling, is realistic and is also frustrating at times, you hate to feel helpless as a newborn kitten, as they say.  Not only in physical limitations but also spiritually - we like to think we are in control eh?  Yet, again and again, I've come broken, unable to speak, limp with grief before God and there are verses to pick me up, but I need to learn to cling to those as well, to reach out when I'm lost and weak and realize that I have to trust myself to God.  He hears my anger, my rage last night against the seeming unfairness of this whole situation.  Why me?  Why now?  Why in our family?  Why out of the blue?  Why when I'm expecting Ava?  And we don't get answers to that necessarily.  That's the hard pill to swallow... that our human minds cannot grasp the depth and the mystery of God's plans for our lives.  So we live and grow and are stretched beyond belief, being shaped like the Potter shapes His vessel, on His wheel, with His hands guiding and smoothing and refining us as we go.  Making us into something totally new and for His glory.  But that's not easy... so we covet prayer for us as we make this huge new step.  I know that so many many people have gone through chemotherapy treatments before, and we are praying that this chemo will bring the disease somewhat under control - I HATE to think about this foreign invader crawling around in there and yet, I'm terrified of the chemo as well.  A wise somebody told me that this is like climbing a mountain - it's a super tough road ahead, that we might not always have the idea of where the next step should be, that we might slip along the way, that there will be storms and icy paths, but that it's something that has to be conquered, something that has to be climbed (I inserted here that I hate heights so possibly a new analogy could be used...heehee).  And I get it - I even told Timothy that I'd have to commission him to paint me a great picture of a mountain so it can be my inspiration as we go forward.
But for today, our joy is in the simple things of life - introducing Martha to the slip-and-slide, to the joys of picking blackberries from our own garden, to hanging up three loads of laundry outside to come inside smelling fresh and clean (including both Georges who were both in the depths of stinkiness and now are no longer grey and disgusting smelling - took a bit to convince Martha that they were in need of a bath).  So we wait upon the Lord, who will renew our strength so that we will mount up on wings as eagles.

Might need this if i start drowning this week... touring the tall ships on Saturday

Someone's excited about being at the helm!

What's a slip and slide, Mommy?  Didn't take her too long to warm up to the idea of getting soaked...

One of the fragile beauties in our garden

Looking for berries amidst the thorns... appropriate, don't you think given the circumstances?

Gotta share with Mom and Dad!

Smile for me, Martha...