It's the weekend...

On a mellow, warm, breezy summer evening, here I sit.  Listening to Timothy reading Martha some stories - she has a voracious appetite for books and words and songs and it's so heartwarming to see the two of them cozied up in my armchair working through a huge Richard Scarry book.  She's counting like a pro and clutching her beloved Georges (her much-loved stuffies that go with her everywhere).  I love to watch my family and I pray that I may be given many more days on which to do that, to enjoy them and to grow together.  As I type, Ava is giving me kicks and reminding me that she's a part of this family too.  She's growing bigger too, her kicks are no longer as low as they were but are starting to range higher up my belly and that's encouraging to me.  On Thursday, Timothy and I met with the obstetrician at MacMaster and were able to see Ava on a 3-D ultrasound.  We initially were a tiny bit creeped out by the image, as it's a little sci-fi and a little jumpy since she was moving around so much but here... I'll share it with you.

She's got her little arm up close to her face and you can make out sweet little lips and a button nose and she's cozied up next to me.  How amazing the modern technology available to us... the tech didn't even ask us if we wanted this scan, he just started scanning and suddenly her face popped out at us and we were astounded.  This little person, this special little girl is hiding in there, developing despite all the badness going on around her.  Psalm 139 always always comes to mind.  As well as the text about the Lord as the potter, forming us for His purposes.  So we receive little encouragements along the way to perk us up when we're feeling overwhelmed.  The OB visit was relatively uneventful.  We talked about some details of delivery but really, there is still no plan.  We met also with the social worker who filled us in on some details of the NICU and how things run there and how things might look with Ava.  But again, as we have no idea how far we will be able to carry the pregnancy, some of this stuff is rather hypothetical at this point.  So more uncertainty but maybe good to lay some groundwork for getting ready for delivery. Up til this point, to be honest, it's not been the foremost thing on my mind but I know with every day, it comes closer.  When I visited Mom and Dad the other day, my sister and I unearthed the first baby girl clothes box from under the kitchen (where everything comes to roost when us girls don't have anywhere to store things!).  In it were a few tiny little newborn sleepers and it was fun to see them and imagine our little girl wearing them.  Somedays I don't dare to hope too much, that she'll be born healthy and a good size but we again have to trust that she will be born at the time that God has set out for her.  I still would love to get out to a children's store to buy a few preemie sleepers for our girl... just to be ready.  I also started this past week to wear more maternity clothes.   Helps me feel more pregnant even if I don't always look it yet.  We also met with the oncologist this week on Tuesday but that was a rather quick appointment.  Just confirm that my blood counts were in the correct range, which they were, even though we are mid-cycle.  I totally expected them to be lower but even my red cell count, which we've been fighting to get up since the beginning was a respectable 100!   I was happy with that.  I received a letter in the mail this week from Canadian Blood Services - just to let me know I'd had a blood transfusion in case I wasn't aware of it and letting me know that all was well.  Timothy and I were slightly amused by the letter but I suppose it's a time, being in the hospital, of everything being blurry and maybe people might not remember all that's happened to them.  I also continue to encourage everyone whom I speak with, that if they are able and are willing, to roll up their sleeves and donate blood or blood products. They are so vital in keeping so many of us in good shape, including many of my former patients in the hematology world.  So keep it up, folks!   It's encouraging to me to hear of people heading off to donate!  

So chemo is on tap for next Tuesday.  Back to being hooked up for three days to my medicine that is supposed to chase this cancer away, to make it turn tail and run, to put up it's hands and surrender.  I know that is asking for a bit of a miracle but yes, I have to look at it like a war, a war against this thing inside me that I absolutely hate, this harbinger and signal of the death and sadness in this world, this thing that is threatening my very life and family, my very existence.  That is SO hard to comprehend sometimes, on the days that I'm feeling semi-okay, that I'm this sick.  But it's always lurking, these fears and worries.  What will the doctor say today?  What will my bloodwork show?  What is the next step if this doesn't work?  And those worries can pile up in mountains that seem far, far too high to summit or climb.  And then I fall into pits of despair, feeling unable to pull myself out of the inevitable backslide into doubt and fear and mistrust.  And I've had a lot of those moments this week - both Timothy and I, when we raged against this monster, this invader.  And we both realize it's better to share and talk about things than to let them simmer and bubble under the surface.  The feelings are like boils to be lanced and to be cleaned out and dressed and continue, but day by day.  It's an ongoing process, this mourning and grieving for a lost life and a striving to be who we are becoming, who this is making us into.  We pray daily for the grace and the strength to move forward, not necessarily to accept with smiles but to grit our teeth and pull forward on the strength of God, for without Him, we'd be so thoroughly lost.  Yet this does not mean that we are full of joy for this trial, far from that.  I know that Paul calls us to count it all joy, but we are still figuring that one out.  But for today, I'll leave you with a verse that was shared with me by a dear woman who has gone through many trials of her own.   She shared this with me and I'll share it with you since it was my encouragement for this evening...

"You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light.  With your help, I can advance against a  troop, with my God, I can scale a wall!"  2 Samuel 22:29-30.  

I will share a few pictures from our morning out at the RBG - a favourite family spot and one that encourages us to marvel at the wonders of creation and of the creativity of the human mind.  We are so thankful to have a membership here and had a wonderful morning out with the three of us.  

Echinacea... so beatiful and wonderful colours!

Part of the LEGO nature display ongoing until mid-August

Echinacea again... such beautiful colours...and neat to see the bees and butterflies hard at work.

My cute little bunny and the handsome fox!

Wandering in the gardens, looking for LEGO creations

Loved this one...

Reflecting on the clouds...