Day 3, Cycle 1

It's a hot and sweltering summer afternoon and I'm sitting here in the shelter of my fan and drinking water like a fish to keep me cool as well as to flush the chemo out of my system. The VON nurse has come and gone, and things are relatively quiet here today.  The neighbourhood dogs are barking to beat the band and I'm on the verge of traipsing outside and yelling at them to be quiet but I know that will do no good at all... silly things.  Oh, wait, someone else just yelled at them, good job!  As I sit here, I'm glad to be free of my companion for the last few days.  My ugly little bottle that made me so upset when I left the cancer clinic on Tuesday afternoon, wearing it in an ugly little white bag around my neck, marking me clearly as someone getting chemo and making it obvious to the world that I am sick.  I HATED that feeling - and my dear mother, as soon as she went home, sewed me up a cover for that too (she's been making me awesome PICC covers - I still think she should go into business selling them - I'm sure there are other people wanting to have such lovely covers).  It has been handy so I can clip it to my pants belt loop or stash it in a big pocket; even some of my VON nurses have commented on the design...thanks Mom, for saving the day once again!!

Bottle number 1, down the hatch....

So the actual infusion of chemo is complete for this cycle, now we just sit back and wait....wait for nausea (i'm on anti-nausea meds - so far, so good), wait for hair thinning (I thought this was already happening, not fun, not in theory supposed to lose it though... thankful for little things), wait for blood counts to go down and for the chemo to do it's dirty work of battling those ugly "vile" (as my sister aptly called them in a post) cancer cells. We pray earnestly that the chemo will have some effect on the residual disease in the liver and a few remaining lymph nodes.  After the cancer surgery, the initial bowel resection, it is now necessary to send the chemo in, kind of like the army to eradicate or shrink the enemy and get it under control - a little like house to house fighting in war.  Except chemo likes to attack fast growing cells anywhere.. hence the hair thinning, mouth sores (potentially), low blood counts and potential for diarrhea and nausea.  Apparently with subsequent cycles, the propensity for side effects worsens so that's something to look forward to to be sure.  One of the main things that I found yesterday was a severe loss of energy - I'm not sure if that was a big post-steroid (used for anti-nausea med) crash which can happen or a combination with being pregnant.  Hard to figure out what is what lately.  So that meant a lot of unscheduled naps and down-times yesterday.  Hopefully I am able to build up that energy again over the next week and a half... It seems like such a short time between cycles but I suppose they want to get a cumulative effect on the cancer cells - not to leave them too long and allow them to find other foot holds.  Get those suckers out of there.  Gotta keep up the fight as I'm encouraged regularly, for myself, for my dear family and for the future.

A little bit of sunshine in the midst of a very drowsy day - a special package from Holland - we were so curious as to what it was - and it took two of us to break into the package - brought back memories of my Grandma who used to use tape like it was going out of style!  See below for our surprise...

A painting from Timothy's mom's cousin.. what a very personal and special gift and we will cherish it - I love the mood and the colours and the feel of the picture - somehow makes me feel like I'm that flower - twisted and tugged by the wind and elements and yet still struggling to find the sun and stand tall in the midst of the difficulties.

This morning, I returned to the hospital for a visit with the surgeon.  He had threatened last week to remove the last sutures from my incision - I had been dreading it for a week now but they came out relatively easily and with little pain.  And contrary to my worst thoughts, my incision didn't split open again (kinda paranoid eh?) and the skin is actually healing and looking better for which I am so thankful.  It's been a month since surgery - we've come a long ways to be sure!   As always, I'm so thankful for my very patient surgeon doctor - he has been such a great resource and so willing to answer my dumbest questions and to take the time to listen.  What a special man.  We won't see him now unless there's any troubles with the wound and how it's healing or when it is assessed after many cycles of chemo that there is a role for a liver resection, then he will be the one to do that too.  But we pray that the chemo may shrink away those lesions and get this disease under control.  God knows the ins and outs of our most inward parts (I believe i read a foot note once that this was actually the bowels - which makes me encouraged) and He knows what the plan is for my/our life.  I've been struggling with that control issue - but really, none of us knows when the end of our days is and to be honest, I've been given time to think about this - not everyone gets this chance so in some ways I'm grateful for that - but as you know, there are other times of why - and I believe that even Job had those times of doubting and despair, but never didn't believe that God was there for him, even in the midst of his massive struggle.  I pray that I may be able to see God's light even if it's just a little glimmer.  
Our devotions for last night, one of the last nights in our former pastor's monthly devotional (we've missed a few nights, I know) our text was James 4:13-15...

13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

If the Lord wills... so hard to remember and cling to but knowing that He loves us despite our weaknesses and in the midst of our trials, despite our doubts, worries and frailties.  So we sing and we pray, "thy will be done" and we pray even for the strength to utter those words and believe them...

Lest you think that we never get anything but sandwiches into our dear child, witness the consumption of a second bowl of spaghetti last night courtesy of a dear family in our church - they saved the day and she loved it as you can see!

And lastly, because we're good parents like that, we decided to introduce her to the joys of whipped cream...