Weary Wednesday...
Just when you thought it would be two full days without an update, here i come, writing from my cozy electric lazy boy chair with the fan blowing on my face and a sweater on (yes, there are some major temperature dichotomies in my life right now... another great one, a hot bean bag and the ceiling fan whirring away like it was going to take off - i think it's the pain meds that are messing up my internal thermostat). I do appreciate that the last two days have been much more manageable temperature wise, especially for someone who doesn't enjoy sweating when i raise my water glass to my lips or use my muscles to smile!
Hmm... what's been going on, you might wonder... well, enjoying being at home for one. So nice to wake up in my own bed, even if it is frequently, and listen to familiar home noises, Timothy breathing beside me, birds starting earlier and earlier it seems with their greeting of the morning, Martha up early since she can now crawl out of her big bed (we've mostly convinced her that getting up at 5 is detrimental to her daily happiness as well as our mental stability so she's usually up closer to 7). Just not being woken to have vitals done or bloodwork or having the residents come crashing in the door at 7:30 with an overly cheerful "good morning, and how are you?". Instead i wake to take some pain meds and roll over for some more shut-eye for an hour - so nice! Pain has been better under control in general, with the exception of some incisional hyper tenderness. I saw and spoke with the surgeon yesterday with concerns about there being a possible infection as there was increased pain and drainage at the site but he was not overly concerned and that was reassuring. He changed the dressing to a daily treatment so we now are going to be seeing a bit more of our home care nurses - they have all been super nice so far and we're thankful that they can see and visit us here at home, saving extra trips out to the community clinic. I'm also thankful that we live in Canada, that we have access to community care services and nurses who care, as frustrating as it might be that the home/hospital systems are definitely not very cohesive. Silly little examples of inefficiencies include orders having to pass from the surgeon to CCAC/LHIN to the home care, a three step process which allows for orders for dressing changes and such to go missing and not reach the hands of the nurses who need them. Or not having the same standards of supplies in home care versus in hospital - is one more important than the other, i think not!
Okay, enough rambling about that... i'm drifting off so i should probably not make this too much longer. The days this week so far have been filled with short and longer visits from friends and family, a little trip out to Value Village (felt like i was playing hookie from cancer... quite a nice feeling) and trying to fatten myself up - having lost over 30 pounds since we started this whole process. Bring on the ice cream and the protein shakes... It is nice to be able to eat again, that is a huge blessing!
Not sure i feel like getting deep into things tonight... everything is pretty raw and close to the surface the last few days - easily bursting into tears as i ponder different things - will i be here to see Martha grow up? Or Ava for that matter? Happiness at feeling her little kicks getting stronger despite adverse circumstances. Twinges of acute pain from the incision, yet wanting to back off the amount of meds i'm taking - i hate being a druggie...Worrying now and again that they didn't get enough of the cancer out, that the chemo won't be able to handle shrinking things, worrying that the doctors won't (and probably can't) give us anything in the hope and statistics department and wondering if all along, they are just buying us a little time, a little respite until all comes crashing down
"God, I was sure by now, you would have reached down and wiped my tears away, stepped in and saved the day. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in the storm." And yet, i am called to trust and to rely on this God. This one who knows me inside out and backwards, who knows the plans for my life, whether that means a positive answer to my prayers or not. So hard to sing those words, along with many words of songs that surround me lately, words that at times wring my heart out and leave it bleeding and broken on the floor, panting in desperation and worry and barely attempted stabs at hope, at trust, at believing we have a hope and a future. I'm surrounded by comfort and hope and yet sometimes it's difficult to reach out and grasp that and look upwards, with tears on my cheeks.
I'll leave you with a little clip of Ava's heartbeat from last week - as we look forward to seeing her tomorrow on ultrasound again, pray that all is well with our little one and that God keeps His hand on her as well as on our whole family.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10158943215615381&id=752035380
Hmm... what's been going on, you might wonder... well, enjoying being at home for one. So nice to wake up in my own bed, even if it is frequently, and listen to familiar home noises, Timothy breathing beside me, birds starting earlier and earlier it seems with their greeting of the morning, Martha up early since she can now crawl out of her big bed (we've mostly convinced her that getting up at 5 is detrimental to her daily happiness as well as our mental stability so she's usually up closer to 7). Just not being woken to have vitals done or bloodwork or having the residents come crashing in the door at 7:30 with an overly cheerful "good morning, and how are you?". Instead i wake to take some pain meds and roll over for some more shut-eye for an hour - so nice! Pain has been better under control in general, with the exception of some incisional hyper tenderness. I saw and spoke with the surgeon yesterday with concerns about there being a possible infection as there was increased pain and drainage at the site but he was not overly concerned and that was reassuring. He changed the dressing to a daily treatment so we now are going to be seeing a bit more of our home care nurses - they have all been super nice so far and we're thankful that they can see and visit us here at home, saving extra trips out to the community clinic. I'm also thankful that we live in Canada, that we have access to community care services and nurses who care, as frustrating as it might be that the home/hospital systems are definitely not very cohesive. Silly little examples of inefficiencies include orders having to pass from the surgeon to CCAC/LHIN to the home care, a three step process which allows for orders for dressing changes and such to go missing and not reach the hands of the nurses who need them. Or not having the same standards of supplies in home care versus in hospital - is one more important than the other, i think not!
Okay, enough rambling about that... i'm drifting off so i should probably not make this too much longer. The days this week so far have been filled with short and longer visits from friends and family, a little trip out to Value Village (felt like i was playing hookie from cancer... quite a nice feeling) and trying to fatten myself up - having lost over 30 pounds since we started this whole process. Bring on the ice cream and the protein shakes... It is nice to be able to eat again, that is a huge blessing!
Not sure i feel like getting deep into things tonight... everything is pretty raw and close to the surface the last few days - easily bursting into tears as i ponder different things - will i be here to see Martha grow up? Or Ava for that matter? Happiness at feeling her little kicks getting stronger despite adverse circumstances. Twinges of acute pain from the incision, yet wanting to back off the amount of meds i'm taking - i hate being a druggie...Worrying now and again that they didn't get enough of the cancer out, that the chemo won't be able to handle shrinking things, worrying that the doctors won't (and probably can't) give us anything in the hope and statistics department and wondering if all along, they are just buying us a little time, a little respite until all comes crashing down
"God, I was sure by now, you would have reached down and wiped my tears away, stepped in and saved the day. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in the storm." And yet, i am called to trust and to rely on this God. This one who knows me inside out and backwards, who knows the plans for my life, whether that means a positive answer to my prayers or not. So hard to sing those words, along with many words of songs that surround me lately, words that at times wring my heart out and leave it bleeding and broken on the floor, panting in desperation and worry and barely attempted stabs at hope, at trust, at believing we have a hope and a future. I'm surrounded by comfort and hope and yet sometimes it's difficult to reach out and grasp that and look upwards, with tears on my cheeks.
I'll leave you with a little clip of Ava's heartbeat from last week - as we look forward to seeing her tomorrow on ultrasound again, pray that all is well with our little one and that God keeps His hand on her as well as on our whole family.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10158943215615381&id=752035380
Danielle, you bring tears to my eyes with your honesty. Please know that you and Timothy, Martha and Ava are constantly on our minds. We pray and petition our Father for you every day. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion says my soul, therefore I will hope in him....For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men. Lamentations 3: 22-23, 31-33. May this passage give you hope and peace as you continue on this very difficult journey.
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