Thursday afternoon
It's Thursday afternoon...five weeks to the day of Black Thursday... the day of our devastating diagnosis - all these odd little anniversaries that we're remembering over the last weeks. First week of having a PICC line, first week post-op, 22 weeks old for Ava, Three weeks of work for Timothy. Time has this funny way of creeping alone and yet advancing faster than you imagine. I've thought somehow that these two weeks at home since surgery would be slow but most days have been filled with visits or appointments or some or the other paperwork or email to do relating to the diagnosis, whether that be filling out day care forms or insurance papers or pension questionnaires. Always something to do. A home care visit takes about a half hour a day or so. I'm waiting for Timothy to be home soon with Martha. She's been going full time to our amazing regular sitter for the summer - she loves it a tonne there which we are grateful with - leaving us sometimes playing second fiddle when she screams the whole way home saying "I want to stay at (the sitter's) house. I don't want to be home!" She's definitely starting to develop more of her temper tantrum phase - I've been repeatedly warned about terrible threes and it's on it's way to be sure - just a month to go til she hits that milestone. She's already slammed her door the first time, told me she doesn't like me and locked herself in the bathroom. And yes, all last night - making her a hard character to deal with at times - but we try our utmost to be patient and loving and understand her - she's probably processing a lot in that little head too - and it makes up for it when she tells me later "I like you now, Mommy" and leans in for a hug. She's been a good little nurse too, always trying to be as careful as she can around my incision and always saying "sorry, Mommy" when she accidently bonks it as inevitably happens. She's a real chatterbox and can get so hyper - going out for dinner the other night to celebrate our nephew's graduation - she yipped the entire way to Brantford and back. We love to hear her talking so clearly and maturely (most of the time - although her latest thing that she giggles about is "poopy diapers" So mature!) She loves to chat about baby Ava and often talks to her in my tummy, wanting her to come out and play. Super sweet! She was also walking around this afternoon, "breast"feeding her baby - a phase that all little kiddos go through, I think. I'm super thankful for her and her energy and the brightness that she brings to our days.
Friday night we hope to go out for a date - Timothy and I - long overdue with a gift certificate we received for Christmas. If there's one thing we're learning, it is to seize the time and the opportunities given for enjoying the blessings of life - good food, time together, family outings, etc. Before we head into the miry world of chemo and its side effects, it'll be good to have some normal time together. And hopefully on Canada Day, if the weather holds, we'll be able to enjoy the tall ships in Hamilton - looks super interesting and it'll be nice to get out as family and friends. Because, yesterday we got the go-ahead from the surgeon so Tuesday chemo is booked for 10 am. We covet your prayers and thoughts as we head into this new phase of treatment. It seems very huge to me, as I've mentioned before and I'm hoping that my mind is just overloading itself with memories from work - we give some pretty devastating chemo in hematology, wiping out immune systems and causing some terrible side effects and the oncologist reassures me that most people tolerate it fairly well. Though I'm just imagining diarrhea on top of unusual bowel habits already, nausea on top of being pregnant, mouth sores on top of struggling to eat enough each day. But I'm hoping the meds will help control symptoms and that we will be able to keep up with calorie and protein intake despite the toxins and poisons of chemo and continue growing myself and Ava stronger. I do worry too about healing up the wound - it's still not there yet and it will probably still take a few weeks at least to heal things up - with a reduced white count to fight off infection, it becomes harder for the body to keep up with healing. And so we trudge on ahead, keeping our eyes on today and focusing on the blessings of our church members who help clean our house, bring us meals and fix up my beloved gardens, and the blessings of sisters who come alongside, making epic Costco runs so that I won't have to shop for weeks to come for anything from soap to bread and for just spending time together as sisters. I'm so thankful for them both and for the people that they are - this has been hard for them too - being on the front lines and fielding lots of questions and not always having answers or being able to share at times - I am so thankful to have them in my camp, in my army, in my circle of friends - what a blessing to be sisters and friends!
And yes, there are blue moments, even today, even on a day when there is little "cancer" related stuff going on - finding myself sucked into googling cancer and researching my disease a little bit - I really really should know better. Finding myself crying in my armchair in the living room with no apparent trigger and having difficulty bringing myself back to earth. Feeling lonesome or helpless or angry. These are all real things that come along in my subconscious, in my reality, in my head throughout the day. When I look too far in the future and worry about my family, my days on this earth... and forget that God is there... in the midst of the tangles of worry and fear, He is there. And this is the hope I cling to, have to, have no choice but to...
Prayer requests for this weekend would be peace as we head into chemo next week, for joy in the time with family this weekend, for swift and steady wound healing, for growth and health for Ava as we head into this next phase, for freedom from despair and for that peace that passeth all understanding!
Friday night we hope to go out for a date - Timothy and I - long overdue with a gift certificate we received for Christmas. If there's one thing we're learning, it is to seize the time and the opportunities given for enjoying the blessings of life - good food, time together, family outings, etc. Before we head into the miry world of chemo and its side effects, it'll be good to have some normal time together. And hopefully on Canada Day, if the weather holds, we'll be able to enjoy the tall ships in Hamilton - looks super interesting and it'll be nice to get out as family and friends. Because, yesterday we got the go-ahead from the surgeon so Tuesday chemo is booked for 10 am. We covet your prayers and thoughts as we head into this new phase of treatment. It seems very huge to me, as I've mentioned before and I'm hoping that my mind is just overloading itself with memories from work - we give some pretty devastating chemo in hematology, wiping out immune systems and causing some terrible side effects and the oncologist reassures me that most people tolerate it fairly well. Though I'm just imagining diarrhea on top of unusual bowel habits already, nausea on top of being pregnant, mouth sores on top of struggling to eat enough each day. But I'm hoping the meds will help control symptoms and that we will be able to keep up with calorie and protein intake despite the toxins and poisons of chemo and continue growing myself and Ava stronger. I do worry too about healing up the wound - it's still not there yet and it will probably still take a few weeks at least to heal things up - with a reduced white count to fight off infection, it becomes harder for the body to keep up with healing. And so we trudge on ahead, keeping our eyes on today and focusing on the blessings of our church members who help clean our house, bring us meals and fix up my beloved gardens, and the blessings of sisters who come alongside, making epic Costco runs so that I won't have to shop for weeks to come for anything from soap to bread and for just spending time together as sisters. I'm so thankful for them both and for the people that they are - this has been hard for them too - being on the front lines and fielding lots of questions and not always having answers or being able to share at times - I am so thankful to have them in my camp, in my army, in my circle of friends - what a blessing to be sisters and friends!
And yes, there are blue moments, even today, even on a day when there is little "cancer" related stuff going on - finding myself sucked into googling cancer and researching my disease a little bit - I really really should know better. Finding myself crying in my armchair in the living room with no apparent trigger and having difficulty bringing myself back to earth. Feeling lonesome or helpless or angry. These are all real things that come along in my subconscious, in my reality, in my head throughout the day. When I look too far in the future and worry about my family, my days on this earth... and forget that God is there... in the midst of the tangles of worry and fear, He is there. And this is the hope I cling to, have to, have no choice but to...
Prayer requests for this weekend would be peace as we head into chemo next week, for joy in the time with family this weekend, for swift and steady wound healing, for growth and health for Ava as we head into this next phase, for freedom from despair and for that peace that passeth all understanding!
Danielle, Tim, Martha and Ava, you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. I weep with you as you go through all of these emotions. May God give you the peace that surpasses all understanding. May you continue to feel the prayers of the communion of saints and be uplifted.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of the text that I have above my computer that has often comforted me when I've been anxious about the unknown : "Fear not tomorrow - God is already there". It is amazing how much that calms me. He is already in the chemo with you next week and the week after - it is not an unknown for Him and so He knows exactly what you will need.
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