Safely home...Saturday June 17

As i write this post, it feels as if it's been an eternity since i last sat down in front of my computer to type out my thoughts and feelings.  And i also feel that the audience to which i'm writing has grown so rich and varied that i'm almost feeling a little self-conscious about my writing.  But i know that the blog has become a means by which we connect with each other, from far and near, over oceans and across time divides, to meet in this space and share what's been going on.  And so, here goes.. my first post in almost two weeks.  I want first of all to thank my dear dear sister Rachel who has been faithfully transcribing and formulating my rambly evening phone call thoughts into cohesive and insightful blog updates.  I know it must have been very trying for her and I truly appreciate her efforts and gift with words.  Must have been a product of all those books that Mom and Dad read to us over the years, instilling a love for words, reading and writing that is even now being passed down through the generations.  Our dear Martha loves to read and is very happy now to be home and reading books again with Mommy and Daddy.  She doesn't let us skip pages or words and watches us very carefully as we read to her - not sure what's all going on in that little head but i seem to think that she's memorizing the words of these books and storing them away in that incredibly busy brain of hers.  She was playing at my parents this week and Mom overheard one of the people she was playing with say "the nurse was greatly displeased!".  She had to chuckle and we're thinking it probably came from either Thomas the Tank Engine books or possibly Beatrix Potter.  In any case, she's a pretty smart cookie and I hope she'll enjoy reading through her whole life!

We love being home with Martha and hearing her cheerful little pitter patter and her banter with her babies and her stuffies; we often find babies tucked into our bed and they need to be safely evacuated before we can retire for the evening.  I've missed her energy but at the same time, it's pretty difficult for me to keep up to her.  Martha knows that Mommy has a big owie on her tummy and that she has to be very careful but that's oh so hard to remember when you're two and your limbs are practically dancing with extra energy and motion and you have so much you'd like Mommy to do with you.  It's hard to tell her "no" when she begs for sandbox time or for a tickle/tumble on the floor.  I know that will come with time but for now, she has to do with ginger embraces though i'd love to just give her a huge hug.  This too will pass right?  

Home care visited for the first time today, feels again strange to be on the other side of the health care team, the object rather than the giver of care.  It's been my role for 17 years to be the helper and the carer and it's odd to have those tables flipped.  The kind nurse who did our intake visit reminded me several times that there's no need to be a super hero and try to deal with this all without help.  A good reminder when it's so easy to just bend over and pick up that toy or fold that laundry or pick up that toddler.  Realize the new restrictions and work within them for the optimum healing.  We pray for their work too, long hours and many complex patients to see in the community and we are thankful that it was arranged that they could see us at home versus having to in to the nursing centre near our home - one less appointment to have to plan into the day.  He changed my dressing for me today and all is looking well, another reason for thanks!  

We managed to have a good sleep last night, in spite of the clock waking us regularly for medication times and in spite of the bowels beckoning at unearthly hours for attention.  It's been hard to establish new routines and figure out how the body adjusts to being home and on different food etc.  We have had the low-residue diet restriction lifted so that there is a lot more food that i'm allowed to eat now - but it's still a chore to get enough calories in to account for my needs, Ava's needs and the increased metabolism needs of the cancer.  So we try different little tricks and tips to increase incrementally the protein and calories that are taken in.  I must say that last night's dinner of home made carrot soup (kindly provided by some excellent chefs at Timothy's new job)was a delicious change from the pureed broccoli disasters of the hospital.  Not sure how anyone is expected to gain weight on hospital food when it's lukewarm and you eat on your own and it's wrapped in plastic.  Nothing appetizing about that.  Much better to have company to eat with and pleasant surroundings!

I pause for a little sip of water since my brain wheels are getting a little dry and keep on with the update... Timothy is out with a few friends tonight - for which i am so glad - it's hard to keep up with the "normal" things in life when all this craziness is surrounding us day by day.  It's good to pause, smell the roses (or peonies - as i toured through my crazy overgrown garden yesterday) and to just be "normal" for a few minutes.  Life as we know it has been turned upside down - the counter is jammed full of meds and a med schedule, the bedroom has nursing supplies, the living room has my oh so comfy electric armchair, the fridge is full of meals which i have not made or prepared and i'm not even capable of folding my own laundry.  I hate sometimes how life has changed - and long for us to be back in the routines to which we were so accustomed.  But this is the new normal, for now, and we struggle, physically and mentally to adjust and find our feet again.  We are thankful that God has been with us through this whole journey, this first river of sorrow that we have managed to escape due to the strong arms of our God who carries us through on His Words, through the hugs and the cards and the kind words of the communion of the saints which have enveloped us in love and concern.
My eyes are drooping and it's nearly time to head to bed, always interesting to think about how the night will go - will i be able to sleep?  Will the darkness be filled with forbidding and dismal thoughts or will God send his guardian angels to us to banish those dreads and give us healing and peaceful slumber?  We pray for that nightly and for His continued presence each day.  He is faithful and He will do it!
Our devotions tonight were from Jeremiah 29 - familiar verses to many of us but new to us each time we pick up our Bibles for a message of comfort and hope.  We do have our hope in Christ that our lives are not our own but belong body and soul, in life and in death to Christ Jesus.  And our future, no matter what happens, we trust in God that He has our lives and times in His hands.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Prayer requests tonight:

for a peaceful sleep for all of us, home together at last

for a blessed Sunday, celebrating Father's Day and the dear husband and father that Timothy is to Martha, Ava and myself

for freedom from dark thoughts and feelings that can creep up in the night

for little Ava, as she grows and develops, for health and strength in the midst of so many difficulties

for pain to gradually diminish and to be able to come off some of the meds that are helping with pain

Thanksgiving items:

glad to be safely home and in my own surroundings

thankful for delicious food and for company while we eat

for grace to accept the things that come to us each day.