It's been a few days..

A quiet morning.. not sure if I remember what that's like.  Everyday since being home has involved visits and appointments and other things, which are good and necessary and encouraging, but this morning is the first morning that it has been very quiet and laid back.  My wonderful home care nurse came very early this morning and even wrapped me up to have a shower (you have no idea what it's like to have to be dependent on other people for even silly things like taking a shower... it's very hard to wrap your own arm up so that the water doesn't get in the PICC line and into the abdominal wound (we're going through a lot of shopping bags to keep the wound dry).  I usually look a bit like something sci-fi by the time I'm ready to finally jump in the shower.  The nurse changed my abdominal dressing this morning and since we've changed the dressing method up a few days ago, things look less mucky and drainage is much less, however, there are still a few areas of concern to me and I'm glad I'm seeing the surgeons this afternoon.  Hopefully they will give their blessing as to proceeding with chemo, for it is really them that the whole process is dependent on at present.  At the same time, I want to be sure that things are safe from a healing perspective since chemo is unlikely to speed the healing process up any.  Oh, these dilemmas that present themselves eh?  Who would have thought a month and a bit ago that we'd be dealing with all these issues.  We simply thought that it was gastritis or some weird stomach virus.  

Yesterday was a big visit - our first big appointment with the oncologist since our big meeting pre-surgery when the plan was initially chemo, then surgery.  How things changed since that day to be sure!  After semi-emergent surgery, we now have to consider the big chemo mountain.  The day turned out to be a long one... I know that there are only 24 hours in a day and that no day is actually any longer than another but sometimes it feels that minutes become hours and waiting increases that phenomenon.  Timothy was able to come with me to the appointment which was great - having four ears is always better than two.  We took advantage of our free parking at a church friend's home and walked the three blocks to the Cancer Centre.  It's still a hard place for me to walk into, feeling so much like I want to be the caregiver and not the recipient of care.  We were put into an exam room quite quickly but then were forced to wait nearly an hour for the doctor.  Issues come up with patients that cannot be controlled and emergencies must be dealt with and so waiting becomes part of the day.  I think we have to learn that lesson yet, that we are not alone in this cancer battle, that there are so many who deal with this awful disease and the havoc that it creates in people's lives, the interruptions, the hassles, the worries and the uncertainties that both the disease and the medication create.  And we are only stepping our toes into this big sea... it's a cold and chilly one with plenty of waves and unknown and unseen currents and eddies that will buffet us about and cause us to feel like we're drowning at times.  Gotta cling to that Isaiah verse about the waters and the fact that our God doesn't leave us alone in the midst of that.  

We spoke with our wonderful oncology nurse and doctor who reviewed information that we had discussed in our previous visit.  We took with us our long long list of questions (we've had nearly three and a half weeks to percolate the information and ponder and query)  Most of our questions were answered along the way and we're thankful that he has no problem taking time to listen to our concerns and worries and that we never feel rushed.  It's awful not to be listened to and we truly feel like we're part of the team rather than just having things thrown at us.  The doctor has still never given us an actual timeline and or prognosis for how this disease will go.  I suppose some of that is unknown since there are relatively few people that have been studied with this particular set of circumstances and because there are so many unknowns with Ava and with the fact that the disease has already spread to other areas.  

That very fact of unknown number of days terrifies me at times and yet the reality is that none of us really have any idea of the number of days that we have allotted to us.  As someone very wise and dear to us recently shared with us - to remember that God has that number of days in His hands and in His plan is our comfort, that we are to use the time given to us, short or long, that the end of our days is not up to us and surrendering that control and obsession over how long we have will in the end allow us to live in peace and confidence.  But that's oh so hard when we're so used to thinking we're in control - as a woman, as a mother, as a nurse, as a person.  Surrendering that... giving that over... being at peace... is truly something I pray for and need to ask again and again for people to pray for Timothy and I as we struggle with this. Not even struggle is the right word, wrestle, fight, grasp, strain, maybe there is no real word for that desire for control.  Letting go and letting God is easy to say but not an actual reality that is easy to achieve.  A line from a hymn was quoted as well "nothing in my hands I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling".  I don't feel that my faith is always very strong or tenacious, but I suppose in the end, it's God who is strong enough and we have to bring things before His throne and ask Him to take it, again and again, trusting that as a loving Father, He hears our sighs and groans which words cannot express...

Wow, rambling today, guess that's what a few days off will do for you.  

Okay, back to reality and facts.  Here's the plan for all who are wondering.  Based on our meeting this afternoon with the surgeons, we will either have a yes or no to proceed with chemo. Once that yes has happened, then we will proceed with chemo.  Yes, chemo will happen while still pregnant - the drugs have been proven (in very limited and small studies) to be relatively safe for baby - the placenta is amazing and provides a type of barrier for babies - another amazing feature of creation, eh?  There is very little long term follow up on the health of children but we have reports of two year olds doing very well - very often the thing that is the most concerning is called intra-uterine growth retardation - which means that the baby is not growing as well as desired.  Ava as of last week has been growing well and she will be monitored every few weeks by our OB to ensure that her growth is continuing on a good curve.  If her growth starts to level off, then it will be assessed at that time whether to induce and deliver her.  The OB believes that a normal birth (vaginally) is still possible even with my recent surgery and actually is preferred rather than having another open wound from a caesarean section.  So that's encouraging - I'm not so much looking forward to induction - we had to be induced with Martha and that wasn't much fun at all.  But the doctors hope to get us to the mid-thirty week mark - which is also something we pray for - much less risky and complicated for Ava.  It's encouraging that that's the goal - I was so worried that we'd be dealing with a super premature baby on top of having chemo and everything else.  I realize that's still a risk very much present but again, we have to trust that she will be born in God's time - even if we think we are planning it out.  Timing of the chemo cycles - which run two days on chemo, twelve days off, every two weeks, will be planned out to ensure that I'm off chemo (as best as we can plan) when she's born.  The oncologist and the obstetrician will have lots of communication in the next weeks as we work through this delicate situation.  

I'm not sure how much more I can write about today - just been an emotional and busy last few days but once again we'd like to express our thanks for those who provide meals, who cut grass, who do groceries and look after our Martha, who send their love and support though cards and meals and visits, who even wash my windows and do my dishes and clean my house.  This army of support is so important to us and each of you with your own gifts and talents has been a blessing to us even if I don't manage to get thank you cards out!  We cry together, laugh together (even better!), and talk together, of things deep and of things mundane and both are needed and appreciated.  Thanks to to all the medical staff who care for us - some of whom may read this blog too - we thank God for each of you and your special roles in our lives - you make this somehow bearable!

And now a few pictures to share from the last few days... somehow kids and kittens make life a lot better don't they??

Kitty sleeping... so sweet!

Martha, George and Rainbow, a very happy combination!

Okay, so it's not a cute kid or kitty but it's an amazingly threatening sky and I love skies so here goes..

There's another sleeping kitty - so peaceful and sweet

Okay, cats are cute, I'll admit it but I'm still not getting one - despite my smile!

And from yesterday's ultrasound - our champion yoga/gymnast/diver girl... unbelievable legs!  She's been kicking up a storm and I can even watch my stomach jump with her kicks - seems to be that took a lot longer with Martha - our little Ava!