And breathe....

Deep breaths...quiet house this afternoon, baby sleeping, Martha's out on errands with Dad and the couch is mine alone for a few precious seconds. Side aching, mouth hurting, stomach upset, these are the shadows and not so fun things that accompany me through my days. Taking pain meds, heating pads, naps, nothing actually takes the pain away for real. Tough to eat, tough to sleep, tough to be there for my family when I so desperately want to be, in a real way, not just a half hearted shadow of myself. Tough to compile thoughts, to share, to summarize the last weeks, tough to know where I'm at right now. It feels like we are just in the rut of chemo every two weeks, with little hiccups in between. There have been a few trips to the ER, with colitis caused by the chemo, and again with a good temperature of 39.1 on Sunday evening and me definitely not feeling up to snuff - feeling achy, skin sore, head pounding, shaking despite my heating pad and so thankful for my family and friends who care for me so diligently. Wiping my brow, changing my clothes when I'm sweating buckets, holding my hand when I cry into the night about the seeming injustice of this whole situation.

Yet, precious, precious refreshment came in the form of a much-needed week away to the beautiful state of Maine. Housed in a generously offered place in the woods and five minutes from the ocean, Timothy and I explored Ogunquit "beautiful place by the sea" and its surrounds - reveling dipping toes in the freezing ocean, listening to seagulls by the sea, exploring cute little shops and just rediscovering each other and why we love each other so much. It was a beautiful place by the sea in many respects, blossoming lilacs, rhododendrons and peonies, beautiful local art work and galleries, sparkling green grass, the many changing faces of the ocean - sometimes wild and free, sometimes lapping the shore like a kitten drips milk, leaving many of the treasures that the waves have thrown up for us to explore. We came home, our hearts full, ready to meet our girlies again and with new strength to keep plugging forwards. Next CT scan will be in mid-June so we will wait again for results, with bated breath, knowing that we are doing all we can do to fight this monster. So we pray for peace, we pray for good results at the next CT, we pray for patience and strength when days are rough, for joy in the midst of the journey which is often provided by our littles who can say and do the funniest things.