Just a little update

      Just a little update tonight... we as a family, we concluded today, are spending waaaaayyy too much time getting to know the ins and outs of all of Hamilton's fantastic hospitals.  Too many admissions, too many appointments so that we are learning all the best parking spots and tricks, the best food places and the sneaky ways in and out.  Okay, Lauren and I might have gotten a little bit turned around today at the General but it's the place I know the least to be fair.  Today was spent at the General with my Mom and Dad and my two dear sisters.  We were there for Mom's open heart operation.  Once again, we expressed extreme thankfulness that we do live in Hamilton, where we can access four great hospitals within about 15 minutes of each other.  That we don't have to fly in or figure out all the streets and where to stay on top of the stress of being at the hospital for serious procedures.  Once again, Lauren and I talked about how much we are blessed by our communities - our huge supporting community - whether that's in prayer, in babysitting, in meals, in cards, in a hug or a smile or a little encouraging text joke in the midst of serious times.  It's humbling, amazing, blessing, encouraging and we feel so surrounded by love.  Once again, we discussed how thankful we are that we have such talented and capable surgeons who can help to repair and fix things in our body that aren't functioning quite the way they should.  Once again, we are thankful for wonderful nurses and staff who provide smiles, encouragement, education about the multiple tubes and wires attached to our dear mom post-op and reassurances that she is doing great.  Once again, we are thankful to our God for providing for our family, in bringing our Mom through this surgery, that she is in great hands in the hospital and in God's hands as well, in giving us calm and peace during the surgery.  We can sit and say Praise God this evening as He has carried us through, even when we didn't know exactly how.

My dear family, pre-op and still smiling, encouraged that we could spend this time together...

     It sure was hard to see Mom all ready for surgery this morning, adorned with a hospital gown, an iv running, an unscarred chest, and waiting.  It brought back a lot of memories for me of a time over 10 weeks ago when I too was waiting in a similar state but felt much more nervous than my brave Mom looked today.  She was so calm and encouraging even for us, she was at peace with her situation and I felt so humbled.  Probably inside she too was nervous and quaking and fearful but she, as a Mom always does, looks after her family.  I love her so much!  I just imagined her clear chest skin, now adorned with a 10 inch battle scar and I was brought back to my last night before my surgery when I lay there and felt my stomach, cradling my dear little baby and looking at my skin realizing that forever after it would bear the battle scars and would never be the same again, that I would never be the same again, that while the surgery would have good outcomes, that parts of me would be forever changed and altered.  That was a hard reality for me and I pray that Mom will be given much strength and courage to get used to her new reality as well.  I know that for me, after a time, I sure felt better than I did before surgery, I could eat again, I could not feel so full and awful and I've been assured that Mom should feel better too with an improved blood flow to her heart and body and that in time, with healing, that she should actually be granted more energy and strength as her body adjusts to the improved state of her heart.  I pray that this may happen soon, that she may be be given patience to allow her body to heal, as I was forced to.
      Tonight, as we were leaving the hospital, the sky was beautiful and it lifted my heart - to see such beauty at the end of the day.  Yet we are still burdened, in the midst of this ordeal, to have the realities of chemo and cancer invading the present.  Having to take a break in the midst of the waiting at the General to zip up to the Juravinski to have bloodwork drawn (ouch, my poor vein is getting a little tired) and to get the all-clear from the pharmacist for chemo #4 today.  The contrasts are becoming bigger, even as I sit in the waiting room for bloodwork with my belly slowly growing each week, I know that the looks I get will just keep increasing - why this dichotomy?  I feel conspicuous and exposed at times, like I'd like to hide dear Ava from all this, to shelter her and to keep her safe from her mother's terrible disease.  I am gratified that she reminds me each and every day, with strong kicks and pushes, that she is very much alive and a fighter and I am filled with love for this dear little one.  So tonight, in the midst of tears and tiredness, in worry and weariness, I rejoice along with our family that we have made it to 29 weeks... seems so far away that surgery threatened her life and she has beaten the difficulties and continues to thrive in the midst of darkness and drugs.  We do see the blessing in this - that God has His hand on her... even as I am filled with worries and fears for her.  We trust that there is a plan and I pray that in due time, when it is her time, that we will meet this little fighter and cradle her in our arms and know her soft skin and hair.
     So much for a short update, but there you go, that's what happens when I sit around all day with lots of time to think and meditate.  Prayer requests continue for our little fighter Ava,, for a successful chemo day tomorrow and that the chemo may be doing what it's supposed to be doing (always a fear of mine that it might not be effective - so prayers for peace and calm also) and prayers for my dear Mom, that as she is extubated this evening (hopefully) that she may be given peace, calm, freedom from pain and panic and scary thoughts.
    What a day.......