Thursday mid-morning

        It's Thursday mid-morning here in the Meadows... all is quiet down the hall, Ava's in bed and sleeping after a bit of a protest about being left on her own in a big bed - she's a difficult one to get to nap some days.  She's a busy girl lately, moving backwards and getting stuck under the coffee table or the piano bench.  It's neat to see her doing a lot of "firsts" but also makes me think that our house is not very baby-proof.  Gotta work on that.  Martha has been busy at day care with graduation (hard to imagine graduation from daycare but it was very sweet and we were so proud of her for singing well and being a helper to her classmate who was a bit sad during the graduation!  Very sweet to see!) and learning about drawing people and playing outside on her trike or scooter.  She is very inquisitive and full of energy, not something I can always keep up with, that's for sure.  I'm glad she has good playmates at school and that she enjoys it there.
       I know that the blog is read and followed by many people with concern and interest and we appreciate all the comments and support that we receive both in person and through the blog and facebook.  We know that we are truly covered with prayer.  And this week especially it seems we need and covet those prayers.  It's been a difficult week as Monday we were in Toronto to see our doctor and get our next round of chemo.  Bloodwork was done after accessing my port and then we waited over 2 hours to see the doctor (never good for the nerves and mind - starts playing games with me - why are we at the end of the clinic day - is that because he has bad news or something like that).  Finally we were called in.  Weight down another pound, blood pressure okay, no fevers, all systems go.  Finally our doctor came in and I think I could tell from his face and manner that something was up.  He broke the news to us that the CT done last week showed disease progression in most areas.  No new areas of concern but certainly not good news to know that the cancer continues to progress on its destructive march through my cells and tissues.  And that's what it feels like, an enemy army is slowly but surely invading on stealth missions to take over more and more territory for the cancer.  And my body still wasn't tolerating the study med in an acceptable dose.  So our doctor recommended stopping the study drug, the one we tried so long and hard to get in...This was indeed a tough blow for us to take - we of course always want to hope for good news yet everytime that we do, we get a whack over the head.  This CT particularly had me worried, due to increased pain in my stomach and rib/liver areas and anxiety was at an all time high.  He recommended to us to start on a relatively new drug recently approved for colo-rectal cancer, just approved in January called Lonsurf.  It's an oral chemotherapy drug which is taken for five days, off for two, on for five, off for two days and then off for two weeks.  The two week off period is the time when I'll be most vulnerable to infection so as all our visitors have been so far, we urge you not to visit if you're sick.   The other benefit of the oral drug is that we can do our treatment and disease management in Hamilton again - cutting out the long exhausting commutes to Toronto.  We will go back to our original oncologist who knows us best and for that we're thankful.  We meet with him next week Tuesday to reacquaint each other and to approve the new oral chemo hopefully. 
      I know that we are supposed to trust in our God, in the One who knows us inside-out and backwards, the way no CT could ever show, the Great Physician, the Good Shepherd...but it is so hard when you feel like your life is not going at all the way that we had imagined it to be and how could a loving God truly want us to suffer like this - with so many ups and downs, with disease that continues to show itself as an aggressive killer.   I want more time with my family and friends, I want to live and see and do and be...and the thought that life might be a bit more precarious with every time that we change our treatments is scary.  It's not that I don't believe in God, don't get me wrong,but it's hard, so hard to see that path, to know why God has done things in this way, to know the purpose of why as a family we have to go through this trial.  Lots of "why" questions and yet we are called to trust... trust and obey,  be still and know that I am God, trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...we don't understand, God, we plead with you for healing, for acceptance, for wisdom, for peace, for joy in the midst of the grief.