Monday morning, bright and early

      It's quiet here in the Meadows.  Bird song is muted by the roar of the air conditioners in our neighbourhood working overtime to combat the heat and humidity that has descended on our city.  Inside, Ava's having a nap and I just finished watering the poor suffering outdoor plants and am sitting down for a rest in our not so cool but hopefully soon will be cool house.  We probably should have caved long ago but I love the breeze blowing and the sounds of summer and I hate to shut it all out, but at some point it becomes necessary. Timothy's off to work - when I think to over a year ago, just last week, was his starting point at Cardus.  How we thought "what are you doing, Lord?" but have since then realized the amazing blessings of his being able to work so close to home and for a Christian organization and a short commute compared to hours each day on the train.  And Martha is nearly done a year at daycare - how much of a huge transition was that for her!  She did not like it at first and gave us a run for our money but she's settled in and seems to do very well there - we are so appreciative of the staff and the programs there and all the support we've been given over the last year.  And Ava.. getting so big - rolling all over the place, sitting up, eating "real" food and babbling all the time.  She's a joy of a baby and makes us smile a lot. 
     As for me, how are things going?  Well, other than hating this heat, I'm doing okay today.  The last few days have been rougher ones, dealing with a lot of pain both in my side/liver area and in my abdominal area where my surgical scar is.  We're not sure entirely why my stomach is so sore and I'm hoping to see a  pain doctor on Wednesday to see if he has any other suggestions as to how to combat the pain.  I cannot stay on injectable pain meds forever and we need to find better solutions.  Sometimes the pain makes it hard to take deep breaths or to find a comfortable spot in bed at night.  Sometimes the pain makes me feel kinda desperate, sometimes small, sometimes lost and not sure what to do.  Thankfully so far anyways, the pain relief meds in general don't make me too drowsy or loopy but I'm sure taking enough of them that I'm surprised I'm not off with the fairies some days. 
    Chemo continues every two weeks faithfully.  My overall health has been better in the last month or two - not dealing with fevers or colitis or other things like this for which I am thankful - always a relief to get through a month without a hospital stay.  Usually around day 5-7 of my chemo cycle, that's when the down days hit - and I have to learn how to compensate for that and take it easy on those days to avoid running myself too low.  I'm back on my study med in the evenings, one tablet a day for now but hopefully increasing it this week to two tablets a day.  So far the side effects of the study med have been minimal since I've restarted and for which I am thankful. 
    CT scan is tomorrow - It's good once again to remain busy leading up to that so I look for little jobs to do today to keep my mind in a good place.  Each scan is a reminder, a test, a chance to peek into my body's inner recesses and search out what is going on in there.  From the doctor's exams the last few times I've been in Toronto, the doctors have been happy with the stability of the liver numbers and with the way things are going but that doesn't take away the anxiety, the fears that go along with each of these scans.  What will they find?  What if it's bigger?  Why do I have to go through this?  When will there ever be a break?  (answer to that last one seems to be an endless round of chemo with no end date in sight which can be pretty intimidating).   So coveting prayers for anxiety relief, for peace and calm tomorrow and as we wait for results til next week Tuesday. 
    As always, a big thanks to all who continue to support us in cards, in meals, visits, gardening, cleaning, babysitting and so many other helpful ways.  It means a lot to us and to our families...Our overnighters are nearly done as Ava is now sleeping through the night (and has been for a while) so that's a little era that has passed.  It is always such a comfort to go to bed knowing that if she wakes, she's being taken care of - especially on my first night of chemo when the sweats tend to be the worst and I'm up changing towels on the bed three and four times a night. 
      I don't have any deep and meaningful thoughts this morning, just a few scattered facts and musings but that's okay.  We are dealing with things day by day, learning how to make this something that is our new norm, our reality that we need to accept and move forward with.  There are still many blue and down days to be sure, my face i'm sure betrays more than I'd like at times.   My body betrays me too - it's been super hard to keep enough calories flowing in to combat the weight loss.  Don't get me wrong, at one point in my life, I would  have been perfectly happy to be as skinny as I am today, but it's no fun if your clothes are falling off or are all too baggy or don't fit well or when I look into the mirror at a peaky little face peering back at me. 
      And so, the start of another week, another week of trusting, leaning, walking with the Lord, in the shadows, in the light, on the rough ground and smooth, beside waters and in arid dry areas where the soul feels tight and malnourished and struggling for purchase on the slippery rocks of the river that threatens always to overwhelm but we know our Saviour walks with us on each step and still carries us in the midst of the storms and the rough terrain and the unknown paths of life.