Saturday morning... 7:30 am...
I sit here this morning accompanied by my little 3 year old sidekick... busy colouring away at the table in one of her zillion colouring books - but I must say that her colouring abilities have improved greatly over the last few months - staying in the lines (mostly) and chattering away while she's working. Pleasant company for an early morning... watching the sun peeking up over the neighbour's house, snow still sticking around for now, classical music playing on the radio, with remnants of last night's record listening session leaning against the bookshelf - some good old Beethoven as an sidekick to a good game of Scrabble in which I finally kicked my dear husband's butt with a decisive victory thanks to "juice" and "flanges" placed in ideal situations. Felt good to finally beat him as he was the victor the last few games we've played. I do love word games and it's a bit sad when I lose (a little bit competitive here maybe - you're always welcome to come down for a spot of Boggle or Scrabble! Good for the old chemo brain to get working and clear out the fogs!)
Timothy is still in bed - his only morning to sleep in so we'll leave him alone for a bit - Ava is sound asleep in her basket in the basement after having had our third over-nighter this week - it is such a blessing to be able to close the door and just sleep through til morning, no interruptions for feeding. Don't get me wrong, of course, we care for our dear baby with so much love but it's wonderful to able to have an uninterrupted rest to recover a bit for the day. And last night was one of those nights again - in the dark, when the lights are off, when the sadness and fears sneak up with their fiendish claws and dig them into my heart and soul and attempt to drag me off into the land of hopelessness. I'm so thankful for strong arms around me, bringing me back to reality, settling me, praying with me, encouraging me to think in different patterns that are more healthy. I will admit the CT, planned for Valentine's Day (of course, so romantic, and always, always on special days) is looming even though it's almost a month away. What will it find? Will we find the chemo has been working? Will the mets be lessened? I almost don't dare to hope at times...maybe it's easier to be brought up from despair than to be let down again. And the last week or so, there has been pain in my liver area - not big or bad but nagging, lingering and worrisome... pain meds have been increasing, especially at night and appetite is not great again. Some lingering nausea as well from the chemo, which should come off today - cycle 12 nearly done. Hard to believe... but also hard to fathom that chemo is likely, from what I understand, to go on ad infinitum... every two weeks - hopefully not forever, but for the foreseeable future. I sometimes get angry at dragging my little bottle around with me but then I remember that it's supposed to be helping, kicking this cancer monster in the pants and making it quake in fear at the cocktail of chemicals coming it's way. Please, please be working!
Yesterday a bit of a disappointment - we had thought to go to visit Timothy's parents in Florida but unfortunately, due to my illness, insurance will likely be impossible to find or will not cover us properly and with the scare a few weeks ago with fever and low counts, I'm not sure I'm safe to be sitting in a cramped tin can of a plane with coughing passengers - not the best environment if I really think about it. But having the dream of sitting on a beach, even being totally covered up to avoid the damaging effects of the sun snatched from us, was disappointing. I feel a bit like I'm being punished again for having cancer, something I didn't give myself... unfair in a manner to me. Maybe in the future we can talk about it again and figure out feasible options but for now, we're stuck in Canada, land of ice and snow, completely not the weather that's great for someone who's sensitive to cold! So no sledding or skating either this year... hmmm... puts new meaning to housebound! Last Saturday I even made it out to the mall after realizing to my shame, that my jeans just weren't fitting anymore... too saggy, baggy, ripped, faded and no shape... time for new clothes to perk up the mind and feel better. So Ava and I went to the mall for an hour, for the first time since before I was diagnosed, I realized and in an hour managed to get two pairs of new jeans and a new shirt to make me feel more human and with-it! Amazing what a little retail therapy is good for!
Hmm... what else? Ava is doing great - we go to the doctor next week to get her weighed and measured to check her growth but she's doing great in my opinion. She's still up a few times at night... we're trying to feed her more during the day to stave off the night feedings but it's still a challenge. But when she's awake, she gives the sweetest, face changing smiles and has been "talking" up a storm, making all sorts of very sweet baby noises and responding so rapidly to a returned smile or chat. She loves watching Martha bopping around and Martha often pulls Ava's bassinet or chair up close to hers when she's eating breakfast so that she can keep her company. It's so neat to see the girls love for each other - no jealousy on Martha's part which is beautiful and she really cares for Ava. Martha loves to sing and we sing around the table each evening after Bible reading - it's amazing to me the memory on this kid. And the crazy adulty things that she comes up with - last night, when Timothy volunteered to take her skating, she said "No thanks, it will not be good for my feet." Little old lady!
And as for me, where are we at? We're just finishing up cycle 12 of chemo, 2nd cycle of dose-reduced drugs to avoid further bouts of neutropenia (low white counts) and the risks of infection and to avoid having to take needles that will boost my white counts (costly and ouchy), the drug doses will remain lower for the time being. I will say that the cold and heat sensitivities are much improved with the lower doses... but it leaves me with the fears that if I'm not suffering, then maybe the cancer isn't suffering as much as it should. I have to trust in the doctors, I know...So two more cycles of chemo, then the CT on February 14, and then maybe hopefully we'll know more and have a better plan. I'm a person who likes to know plans and it's painful to not know....I have to trust, I know... trust that a God much bigger and stronger and wiser than me has my life in His hands and heart... I do read every day and am blessed by the scriptures each morning and day and I wouldn't know what to do without them...I've even joined a choir that meets every Monday and we will have a concert at Easter time - I felt very uplifted by the singing and conversations on our first meeting last week. The theme of the concert this year is Providence (naturally, a theme with songs that rend my heart and make the tears flow - hopefully by the time we're ready to perform, I'll be less prone to tears - we'll have to see about this - but for now, it's great for the spirit to sing, even amidst the tears)
So that's a little update for now... things always changing and moving, never entirely sure what a day will bring but mercies are new each morning and that is a promise we keep clinging to in the midst of uncertainty and turmoil.
Timothy is still in bed - his only morning to sleep in so we'll leave him alone for a bit - Ava is sound asleep in her basket in the basement after having had our third over-nighter this week - it is such a blessing to be able to close the door and just sleep through til morning, no interruptions for feeding. Don't get me wrong, of course, we care for our dear baby with so much love but it's wonderful to able to have an uninterrupted rest to recover a bit for the day. And last night was one of those nights again - in the dark, when the lights are off, when the sadness and fears sneak up with their fiendish claws and dig them into my heart and soul and attempt to drag me off into the land of hopelessness. I'm so thankful for strong arms around me, bringing me back to reality, settling me, praying with me, encouraging me to think in different patterns that are more healthy. I will admit the CT, planned for Valentine's Day (of course, so romantic, and always, always on special days) is looming even though it's almost a month away. What will it find? Will we find the chemo has been working? Will the mets be lessened? I almost don't dare to hope at times...maybe it's easier to be brought up from despair than to be let down again. And the last week or so, there has been pain in my liver area - not big or bad but nagging, lingering and worrisome... pain meds have been increasing, especially at night and appetite is not great again. Some lingering nausea as well from the chemo, which should come off today - cycle 12 nearly done. Hard to believe... but also hard to fathom that chemo is likely, from what I understand, to go on ad infinitum... every two weeks - hopefully not forever, but for the foreseeable future. I sometimes get angry at dragging my little bottle around with me but then I remember that it's supposed to be helping, kicking this cancer monster in the pants and making it quake in fear at the cocktail of chemicals coming it's way. Please, please be working!
Yesterday a bit of a disappointment - we had thought to go to visit Timothy's parents in Florida but unfortunately, due to my illness, insurance will likely be impossible to find or will not cover us properly and with the scare a few weeks ago with fever and low counts, I'm not sure I'm safe to be sitting in a cramped tin can of a plane with coughing passengers - not the best environment if I really think about it. But having the dream of sitting on a beach, even being totally covered up to avoid the damaging effects of the sun snatched from us, was disappointing. I feel a bit like I'm being punished again for having cancer, something I didn't give myself... unfair in a manner to me. Maybe in the future we can talk about it again and figure out feasible options but for now, we're stuck in Canada, land of ice and snow, completely not the weather that's great for someone who's sensitive to cold! So no sledding or skating either this year... hmmm... puts new meaning to housebound! Last Saturday I even made it out to the mall after realizing to my shame, that my jeans just weren't fitting anymore... too saggy, baggy, ripped, faded and no shape... time for new clothes to perk up the mind and feel better. So Ava and I went to the mall for an hour, for the first time since before I was diagnosed, I realized and in an hour managed to get two pairs of new jeans and a new shirt to make me feel more human and with-it! Amazing what a little retail therapy is good for!
Hmm... what else? Ava is doing great - we go to the doctor next week to get her weighed and measured to check her growth but she's doing great in my opinion. She's still up a few times at night... we're trying to feed her more during the day to stave off the night feedings but it's still a challenge. But when she's awake, she gives the sweetest, face changing smiles and has been "talking" up a storm, making all sorts of very sweet baby noises and responding so rapidly to a returned smile or chat. She loves watching Martha bopping around and Martha often pulls Ava's bassinet or chair up close to hers when she's eating breakfast so that she can keep her company. It's so neat to see the girls love for each other - no jealousy on Martha's part which is beautiful and she really cares for Ava. Martha loves to sing and we sing around the table each evening after Bible reading - it's amazing to me the memory on this kid. And the crazy adulty things that she comes up with - last night, when Timothy volunteered to take her skating, she said "No thanks, it will not be good for my feet." Little old lady!
And as for me, where are we at? We're just finishing up cycle 12 of chemo, 2nd cycle of dose-reduced drugs to avoid further bouts of neutropenia (low white counts) and the risks of infection and to avoid having to take needles that will boost my white counts (costly and ouchy), the drug doses will remain lower for the time being. I will say that the cold and heat sensitivities are much improved with the lower doses... but it leaves me with the fears that if I'm not suffering, then maybe the cancer isn't suffering as much as it should. I have to trust in the doctors, I know...So two more cycles of chemo, then the CT on February 14, and then maybe hopefully we'll know more and have a better plan. I'm a person who likes to know plans and it's painful to not know....I have to trust, I know... trust that a God much bigger and stronger and wiser than me has my life in His hands and heart... I do read every day and am blessed by the scriptures each morning and day and I wouldn't know what to do without them...I've even joined a choir that meets every Monday and we will have a concert at Easter time - I felt very uplifted by the singing and conversations on our first meeting last week. The theme of the concert this year is Providence (naturally, a theme with songs that rend my heart and make the tears flow - hopefully by the time we're ready to perform, I'll be less prone to tears - we'll have to see about this - but for now, it's great for the spirit to sing, even amidst the tears)
So that's a little update for now... things always changing and moving, never entirely sure what a day will bring but mercies are new each morning and that is a promise we keep clinging to in the midst of uncertainty and turmoil.
Thank you for sharing again, Danielle. I check your page often for your updates as I wonder about how your are doing. I continue to think of you and pray for you and your family. Take care of yourself and each other!
ReplyDeleteTracy C.