It's been a bit...

     The laundry is tumbling away in the dryer, thanks to the threatening clouds all day forcing me to keep things indoors today, I've got a sweater on and had socks on earlier, indicating that the temperatures are cooling and fall is in the air.  Normally, fall is my favourite season... and it probably still is.  Nothing at all to do with the birthday season in my household growing up - with four of us with birthdays in September, it was always a blur of birthday cakes, streamers and parties as the Mussche girls all graduated to the next year.  By the end of the month, Mom was usually very sick of birthdays and wouldn't even put any streamers up for her birthday at the tail end of the month, leaving us to figure out how in the world she ever managed to get those streamers to stay up!  And so, even in the deVries household, birthday season is coming up - my 40th next week Tuesday, Timothy's 40th on October 3 and we expect (if all goes well) baby Ava to make her appearance sometime during the Thanksgiving week.  Lots to celebrate in the midst of difficult times.   And so we make an effort to make these days special.
     It's hard to believe that it's been almost four months since we first stepped our feet onto this wild ride of going through a cancer diagnosis, surgery, treatment and lots of ups and downs in the meantime.  I will admit to feeling in a low spot at present, having been in a battle with a nasty cough and cold for the last week now.  I finally started some antibiotics this afternoon - not sure if they will help, especially if it's viral but we had to give it a try, especially with chemo on the line next week and lots of other things lined up after that.  Yes, if you did your math correctly, if the body starts feeling better, chemo will be due on my birthday.  Happy birthday to me!  Kinda sucks, let's be honest.  You would like something better for your birthday - a new sweater or a necklace or maybe even just some chocolate but yeah, there you  have it - and so we will continue, we will soldier on to keep on schedule and get chemo #6 behind us before a break to have a baby.  Sometimes, when I think about our situation, okay, not sometimes, but most of the time, when I actually stop to consider what we are going through, I'm amazed that I don't curl up in bed all day, every day.  I will admit to being tempted to do this when I let my thoughts go wild and then I remember that I have a family to care for, things to do (laundry just doesn't do itself, you know...) and lots of appointments to keep up with, meds to take and symptoms to deal with.  I try to jealously guard out some time for naps in the afternoons and am so thankful for all the meals that get provided to make our day easier.
    I also believe that God sends us ministering spirits, maybe not always in the form of Gabriel or Michael, but in the every day kind words, hugs and thoughts of those in our community.  Just when the day seems grey and lonely, there comes a friendly text or visitor bearing strength and healing in their wake and I'm renewed again.  Today was no exception - the bright spots in my day were my dear home care nurse and a dear lady from our church, offering listening ears, a comforting hug, a practical ride to the pharmacy and encouragement to continue the course, to keep running the race, to face another day despite the difficult things in it.  A facebook post this week has been turning around in my brain a lot - about feeling like you anticipate the worst all the time, and that truly is me.  To be fair, I believe it's a little bit borne out in truth in the last few months, but also needing to trust that God has our plans in His hands, that as much as we can plan and anticipate and worry and fret and dwell on all the bad things, He still loves us and carries us when our feet just won't go any further.  I felt like that a bit on Monday - as a physical analogy - we went for a hike at Princess Point with Martha - it was a beautiful day and I started out with all kinds of energy and optimism but as we turned at the halfway point and it became a massive operation of cajoling and encouraging and pestering Martha to keep walking and as my energy tank diminished with the alarming quickness of the bottom half of a car's gas tank, I was physically feeling drained and like I couldn't do another step.  But with some little pauses, some deep breaths, some positive self talk and the promise of a shortened walk back to the car, I was able to keep going.  And so too in life, when we feel drained and exhausted and like the battery has been entirely sapped, we are given little charges to keep us going, to perk up that spirit when it's needed and to keep on plodding on the race course.
    That's not to say there's not things to fret about - but who of us by worrying can add a single minute to our lives and isn't that the case?  We just waste time either feeling sorry for ourselves or worrying about things we can't control.  And while it happens to all of us, it's important to refocus that energy, look to put smiles on someone else's face who also may be going through hard times and to meditate on the goodnesses in our lives - friends, family, life, breath going in and out of my lungs (even if a little congested at present), a house, a lovely hug, a warm meal, the beauty of the skies, the beauty of my garden, warm socks, a big stack of kleenex boxes, medicines to help make me feel better, phones to reach out and call for support, and so much more - I'm definitely no Pollyanna and would probably get pretty perturbed with anyone who says, "wherever God closes a door, He also opens a window" but maybe there's just the slightest bit of truth in trying to cheer someone else up, then we are affected by that positivity - so a little smile to the old man at the cancer clinic on Tuesday afternoon as we waited for our ride, a little parking lot interaction with a lonely fellow, a kind card sent, reaching out beyond myself, sharing some flowers can make all the difference in the balance of a rough day.
   On practical matters, which my dear husband always encourages me to include after or in the midst of the rambles, there are prayer concerns and reasons for thanks.  Some of you know that Timothy's Dad went in for semi-emergent surgery on Saturday afternoon - we praise God that he is now home and doing well, in good spirits and recovering well.  My own Mom is healing, taking it easy but slowly increasing her activity and still very much delighted by the beauties of creation and full of creativity and it's good to see her spirit recovering.  Reasons for thanks to be sure!   It's not fun to have to worry about parents and children.  Martha started regular day care this week at a very well run, Christian day care - she's having to make some huge adjustments which hurts my heart - she loved her previous babysitter but this arrangement allows for a bit more consistency for her and regular routine which we believe in the long run will benefit our dear little inquisitive, independent thinker (not sure what that means in day care code, but I'm a little afraid it's something along the lines of "she doesn't listen too well").  She's having more difficulties with the routines of life at home - fighting over very mundane things and I think struggling to find her place - she too feels the upheavals of our household and because it's hard to express things, I think things come out in behavior issues and so we need lots of patience and patience and patience and patience in buckets.  We love her dearly and pray daily for her as she makes these big adjustments.   We are planning a few birthday parties in the next few weeks so it's always nice to have something to look forward to, but sometimes my mind spins a little with all the preparations we are having to make, not just for that but also for Ava's impending birth.  She daily reminds me of her presence, maybe more than daily, more like hourly, little and big kicks to let me know that she's definitely a part of our world.  We pray for her too daily, for strength, for health in the midst of all that's going on and for her to decide to change positions into a pose a little more suited to entering the world in a favourable way.
    No deep devotional thoughts to depart on, no major insights, no epiphanies of faith, simply walking forward each day, trying to keep our chins up and our feet on the paths, trusting the Lord to guide our steps and our minds and hearts in His time and plans.