June 4 Sunday....

Early morning rain is coming down...nourishing the earth, bringing life, refreshing, hydrating, yet so easily storms can come and wash things away too, inundating, pounding, soaking and scouring.  Yet, there is that promise rainbow that comes after the storm - God has promised to be with us and keep us safe in the storm.  Sometimes hard to understand why us in this storm, why now, but the why's wait in the stillness of the raindrops and are stilled by the knowledge that God goes with us through the waters.  I'm thankful for these reminders from the beautiful world of nature that God has placed us in, these pauses, these breaks from the constant whirring of the mind and the turmoil of the soul.

  

Early morning again... but thankful for a solid night's sleep with no wakenings in the restless midnight hours.  Thankful for the refreshment that morning brings and the feeling of newness in the midst of the pain of the trial.  Thankful and amazed by all the love that surrounds us and the huge community of open arms and hearts that God has placed us in.  I would never have imagined that a week and a half ago, we would be where we are today.  Facing an admission to my own workplace for surgery on my body, to be scarred and battered, to remove this heavy and deadly presence that is in me.  I will not miss that part of me, though I will miss being "whole".  I struggle with that a lot and still have moments of panic and fear about this whole process - is it really necessary?  Can't you just operate on someone else?  And then a twinge of pain will remind me that I'm the one here, that for some reason, this is where we are.  In this valley, in this shadow of death, where the Lord is our shepherd and leads us beside quiet waters and nourishes our souls and prepares a cup for us in the presence of our enemies - Satan, death, evil, sickness.  He has prepared a way for us to triumph no matter what happens.  

This truly brings up thoughts of wasted moments, of time not spent in the Word or time not spent dwelling on blessings.  As I read to our dear daughter last night, who is struggling to deal with something that she knows is going on and yet cannot process, who kicks and screams against us as she feels things changing at home and in her life, my heart breaks as I realize her world is altered forever as well.  She knows mommy is sick and that's about where we're leaving it, but it's hard to know the words to comfort and bless her.  So we snuggle and read together, we sing "you are my sunshine" with tears in my eyes, she wipes my tear and says "I got your tear, Mommy".  My little love, my ball of energy, my daughter of my heart.  I love you.  All the moments of frustration and impatience are little pricks in my conscience as I should appreciate the smiles, the giggles, the sweetness, the intelligence of this little person who is growing and expanding her world so quickly.  I love her independence and her energy (though for sure lately it's hard to keep up) and her spirit.  

And my dear, dear husband, whom I tell over and over again, that I am so glad that God allowed us to re-meet after so many years and to form a commitment to each other and to the Lord together.  I don't think I really understood, how could any newlywed?  What it means to vow, to say I love and cherish you, I will honour and respect you, I will be with you in the good and bad days, in sickness and in health and yet here we are, with the words of that vow starkly in front of us.  And I see his strength in the midst of the sorrow, his commitment to me which fills me with wonder and I know God has given me the right man... the fulfillment of me and my partner.

  

I pray too that you may uphold us all in prayer as we wait, wait for news of a hospital bed and to meet the surgeon who will operate, the doctors who will put me to sleep, the nurses who will care for us and we pray for them too.  That the right hands may be working for us and may be nimble and deft, that minds may be sharp and clear, that this cancer may be tamed and rooted out.  That I may have peace in submitting to all this and joy in the midst of the sorrow.  For pain relief and for healing.  As we journey onwards, I am going to leave you with the words from our anniversary celebration for my in-laws last night - a text that has also always been dear to my heart and which seems to applicable now...

Psalm 121 

I lift up my eyes to the  mountains - 

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip-

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber not sleep.

The Lord watches over you - 

The Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, 

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm -

he will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.