June 3 Saturday Waiting

After another night of patchy sleep even with the help of some gravol and pain medication, I am once again up early.  Listening to the mourning dove as he sings his song - feeling like he's mourning a little along with me.  And yet singing too... because that's what happens right - the grieving and the singing mingle together and the words that bring us comfort are the same ones that choke us up as we sing them - "When Peace like a river attendeth my way", "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.  Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but he is strong".  "Be still and know that I am God".  All these speak to my heart and minister to a hurting inside.  

Yesterday evening, I think things finally overwhelmed me to the point that I had to withdraw for a bit - to hide and to curl up like a little ball and cry and realize that I do feel yucky and inundated and full of information and choices and things ahead that are not even choices but will just have to wait and see how they are planned out.  I have been forced to my knees, to being prostrate before our God and laying my life in His hands for Him to carry me and to be my strength when I have nothing left of my own.  For indeed, I feel wrung out and that we have just lived one of the longest weeks of my life.

Yesterday morning, we headed to MacMaster Hospital to have our ultrasound and OB appointment.  Mac is not my home hospital and somehow I always get turned around in all the complex hallways and get my reds and yellows mixed up but thankfully there are always people to show you the right way.  We waited for our ultrasound over an hour and a quarter - sitting there (not so calmly as my bladder was about to explode!)  as the time passed by for our appointment with our doctor - and we wondered what could possibly be taking so long.  Finally after nearly losing patience, I was called in.  Then I realized how come things take a long time as the tech settled down to do our ultrasound.  Baby girl deVries apparently had picked that afternoon to practice her calisthenics and gymnastics and decided to not cooperate for pictures... maybe she's camera-shy?  In the end, after much turning and re-positioning, the images were done and we were once again shown her little face and hands on the screen as she merrily danced about - so much for a calm baby eh?  After our whirlwind with Martha, we felt sure that this one would be mellow and calm - but she's a fighter and I'm so glad she is!  We are trying to pull together some ideas for names for her - it's hard since you usually have a bit more time to ponder this but we feel we need to know her name before this surgery comes upon us - for our comfort and to acknowledge that she's every bit of a person as the rest of us!

Then upstairs to the OB department where we waited again but were met by our midwife who had voluntarily asked if we wanted her along on the appointment and we are so glad she came.  She patiently listened to us and occasionally added bits that we might have forgotten as we were interviewed for our health history.  Then followed a long discussion about the future plans and what things might look like, hard things to talk about but necessary.  We realize that our baby is not old enough to survive on her own outside of me and that's a big worry for us and a prayer request from us too - that God would keep His hand on her as the surgeons work and keep her safe.  They will give us some drugs to help keep the uterus calm during surgery but they are only so effective.  I know that the first thing I ask when I wake up is how is she?  And they have promised us fetal monitoring before and after surgery but that's about it since there's not a lot they could do should the worst happen.  So hard to realize even as her kicks become stronger.

We talked about plans for chemo which would now not occur until after surgery and how the drugs would/could affect the baby.  Unfortunately, there are still a lot of unknowns but the surgery being first, some time is now bought to do more research so we know the best we can.  Our OB consulted with the surgical team right way so we know that they are in good communication which brings relief that hopefully all the parts can move together.

And so we came home, after another epic afternoon with heads spinning a bit more and me worried about how I was feeling - a bit crampy on the tumour side and hungry yet nauseated - it's so hard to know how to feel at present or even to describe it.  One of the worst questions I always find when talking to patients is to rate their pain on a scale of 1-10 and the specifics of that pain - I just feel a general discomfort most of the time as this thing is inside me - and I was glad and relieved when our surgeon called just then to tell us that they would likely book us in on Sunday evening for pre-op with a possible surgery Monday if beds are available.  So another prayer request - to guide the admitting process that it would be smooth, that all the players in this complex game will be in communication and that there would be a bed for us.  

And yet knowing that I'll be admitted gives me anxiety - you know what it's like to work a twelve hour shift on a busy floor - will the nurses be attentive and caring?  How many tubes and wires will I end up with?  I don't want an infection.  How long will I be admitted?  What will I look like when this is all said and done?  My stomach has just noisily reminded me that I shouldn't ask and fret about all this but that D.V., I will actually feel better after this surgery once this cancer is removed.  There, that "c" word again that is so dreaded by us all and yet this makes it concrete reality, no more discussions but a knife and pain and the realization that even physically, I will never totally be the same person again.  Hard things to think over on a beautiful morning.

We covet your prayers as always - for our dear Martha, that she will pull through this week of missing Mommy, for Timothy as he is such a support for me each and every day, for those who will care for Martha, for our surgeons that their hands may be deft and their minds sharp, for our nurses, that they may see our need and provide comfort as only they can, for peace as we go into this new phase, for that knowledge that "I am not my own, but belong, body and soul, in life and in death to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ, who with his precious blood has fully paid for all my sins and has delivered me from the power of the devil and so preserve me that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my father in heaven"

Prayer Requests:

For peace and comfort to rest in the Lord for Danielle and Timothy as they face the unknowns in the days ahead

That God would keep His hand on Baby as the surgeons work and keep her safe

To guide the admitting process that it would be smooth, that all the players in this complex game will be in communication and that there would be a bed for Danielle

For Timothy as he supports Danielle every day

For our dear Martha, that she will pull through this week of missing Mommy, and for those who will care for her

For the surgeons that their hands may be deft and their minds sharp, and for our nurses, that they may see our need and provide comfort as only they can