June 2 Friday

Wow, this is Danielle writing, sitting early morning in my living room, cherishing the quiet, the sunlight peeping in the window, the birds singing outside, the images of my husband and daughter curled up in bed and in deep sleep.  So many things to cherish and love in life and to never take for granted - lessons I've been taught over the last few weeks - never to forget the rich blessings that the Lord has bestowed on His children and never to forget the Lord most importantly.  I pray that He may continue to uphold and strengthen us through this trial as He has been faithful to do thus far - through so many things.  We call the blessings our little silver linings in the black storm clouds.  They shine through like little glimmers, allowing us to see His glory and His grace in the waters that we are going through - the hugs of a friend, the care for all of us through meals and cards and calls and texts, the love of co-workers who are being so gracious to us and going the distance in trying to find the best of care for us, the wonderfully compassionate doctors whom we have had the privilege of working with thus far and despite their hard news again and again, still give us glimpses of hope.  And the verses that we cling to - that have been shared by those who love us and that have fresh and new life as we read them from the pages of Scripture - how uplifting and soothing like balm to our weary and wounded souls.

I wanted to share a small update since my sister posted the first blog entry yesterday afternoon.  We hope that this blog may serve to be informative but also a place to share our concerns and our prayer requests, which are manifold.  My sister will likely be our primary updater but I will pop in now and then with updates as I have time and ability.

Thankful for some sleep last night (that's been rough ever since diagnosis), I am baffled by how to sum up the last few days.  Even since Monday.  We had a very long meeting with our oncologist (hard to say "our oncologist" since I am coming from the other side of the table, being a hematology nurse - it was a huge challenge even to pass through the doors of the Juravinski Cancer Centre (hence forth JCC) on Monday afternoon), we have had so much information to digest.  Plans to start chemo in a week or two, chemo that would hopefully shrink the tumour and buy us some time prior to surgery.  So we left with many questions in our heads about this - which have been slowly answered through the week by various resources - there are lots of people pulling for us that we know of and that we don't even know of - things working in the background to pull together the best possible care for us and our baby.  So the following day was our appointment with a Gastrointestinal Specialist and she too was wonderful and managed to get us in for a colonoscopy the next morning.

Following one of the worst nights of my life so far as far as discomfort and pain was concerned, we went through the procedure - once again, so hard to be a patient, on the stretcher, wearing the gown and the armband that are the hallmarks of hospitalization and waiting, always waiting.  I wouldn't say that was the most fun experience of my life but it was entirely necessary and as our doctor made us aware, so critical to our plan.  For she revealed that there is a large mass on my bowel just below my liver, likely the reason that the liver has spots on it too, as they would share blood circulation.  This mass is threatening to obstruct my bowel and so we are now waiting, waiting with a seeming time bomb inside, down to eating/drinking fluids only - making nutrition an ongoing challenge - may I have a pad-thai to go in the blender somehow seems absurd and disgusting (I promise I didn't do that - just crossed my addled brain - I was content with a milkshake and popsicles!)

So yesterday was a meeting with one of the best liver surgeons at the hospital - who told us that he would hold off on liver surgery until we had resolved this mass issue in my bowel - that he was putting things in place and that likely surgery would be early next week - possibly Monday or Tuesday, unless symptoms worsen over the weekend.  He was very blunt, as surgeons are wont to be - but sometimes it's good not to beat around the bush.  This of course presents risk to our dear little one and so we have a consult today at McMaster with a high-risk Obstetrician to formulate plans and to have some difficult discussions, I'm sure.  Our dear midwife has offered to accompany us for an extra set of ears.  We were so hoping to use midwives again but in the light of these complications, that is not possible but they have graciously agreed to support us along the way and we were so thankful to hear that.  

I hear slight murmurings from our downstairs guests - Timothy's sister and her husband and son are staying with us this weekend - so nice to share time with them and hugs in person.  I should probably wake my own family and start the day - but still I sit here and treasure another special gift that God has given - that last night, our little baby made her presence known to her mom with little flutters and soft kicks - which have made me love her even more and that we can cherish this gift of God, this miracle and know that He is with us at all times - Psalm 139 - always a favourite - comes to mind. So many of these verses have such dear meaning to my heart and I would like to share them this morning.  

Danielle

You have searched me, Lord

and you know me.  

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways. 

Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.  

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast. 

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me."

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be. 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand - 

when I awake, I am still with you.