Through The Waters

It's Thursday afternoon...five weeks to the day of Black Thursday... the day of our devastating diagnosis - all these odd little anniversaries that we're remembering over the last weeks.  First week of having a PICC line, first week post-op, 22 weeks old for Ava, Three weeks of work for Timothy.  Time has this funny way of creeping alone and yet advancing faster than you imagine.  I've thought somehow that these two weeks at home since surgery would be slow but most days have been filled with visits or appointments or some or the other paperwork or email to do relating to the diagnosis, whether that be filling out day care forms or insurance papers or pension questionnaires.  Always something to do.  A home care visit takes about a half hour a day or so.  I'm waiting for Timothy to be home soon with Martha.  She's been going full time to our amazing regular sitter for the summer - she loves it a tonne there which we are grateful with - leaving us somet...

A quiet morning.. not sure if I remember what that's like.  Everyday since being home has involved visits and appointments and other things, which are good and necessary and encouraging, but this morning is the first morning that it has been very quiet and laid back.  My wonderful home care nurse came very early this morning and even wrapped me up to have a shower (you have no idea what it's like to have to be dependent on other people for even silly things like taking a shower... it's very hard to wrap your own arm up so that the water doesn't get in the PICC line and into the abdominal wound (we're going through a lot of shopping bags to keep the wound dry).  I usually look a bit like something sci-fi by the time I'm ready to finally jump in the shower.  The nurse changed my abdominal dressing this morning and since we've changed the dressing method up a few days ago, things look less mucky and drainage is much less, however, there are still a few area...

It's almost 11 on Sunday evening... it's been a busy day (at times) and I'm glad to be sitting in our living room with feet up and a chance to ponder the day.  It was a blessing to be able to wake up feeling well enough on a gorgeous Sunday morning, to join the communion of the saints at Rehoboth and sit under the preaching of the Word.  I feel so much love from everyone there and it's like coming home, but at the same time, it's busy and tiring and I do have a hard time focusing (particularly when it comes to battling a two-year-old who thinks the church pew is a perfect place to display the bottom of her sandal to the three benches behind or crunches her pepperpints so loudly that I'm sure the other side of the church can hear - maybe that's just me being paranoid, or having intensely whispered discussions on the consequences of  not listening to Mommy in the midst of prayer, ending in loud protestations.)  I do love the praying and the singing and that tr...

It's Saturday evening here in the Meadows... the birds are singing their evening songs, made sweet by the beautiful weather that filled our day today.  There is quiet music playing on the stereo, Timothy is sitting across from me catching up on the news of the world (i feel like i have no clue what's going on in the outside world at present) and Martha is tucked into bed.  Ava's making her presence known now and then with little kicks. And we're expecting friends to be dropping in tonight... Timothy just reminded me that the blog was supposed to be called "The top of the cupboard".  When i questioned him as to why this needed to be the title, he told me i needed to compose a poem about the top of our linen cupboard.  Over the years, this space has become the traditional holding place for gifts that i pick up over the years, things on sale or things bought early, but for birthdays or things that i know are perfect for certain people. The top of the cupboard be...

Wow, another week has somehow managed to fly/drag by.  Not sure how that happens but somehow the hours of each day just fill up with visits and emails and texts and appointments and before you know it, the first full week of being at home is nearly complete.  It has gone relatively well, pain has been pretty well controlled and I'm trying my best to work off of some of the medications that I've been on.  Sometimes you just keep taking something because you don't think about it but all medications have side effects and some of those side effects are none too pleasant so the less meds, the better in my opinion.   And so again, day by day the plans change.  We read tonight at devotions from Matthew about the wise man building his house on the rock - and Martha piped up that she knew a song about that so a raucous version of the wise man built his house upon the rock broke out, followed by "How Firm a Foundation" (my choice) and I was struck by the words of that ...

Just when you thought it would be two full days without an update, here i come, writing from my cozy electric lazy boy chair with the fan blowing on my face and a sweater on (yes, there are some major temperature dichotomies in my life right now... another great one, a hot bean bag and the ceiling fan whirring away like it was going to take off - i think it's the pain meds that are messing up my internal thermostat).  I do appreciate that the last two days have been much more manageable temperature wise, especially for someone who doesn't enjoy sweating when i raise my water glass to my lips or use my muscles to smile! Hmm... what's been going on, you might wonder... well, enjoying being at home for one.  So nice to wake up in my own bed, even if it is frequently, and listen to familiar home noises, Timothy breathing beside me, birds starting earlier and earlier it seems with their greeting of the morning, Martha up early since she can now crawl out of her big bed (we'...

10:10 pm... it was about this time two weeks ago i was coming to in the post-op recovery area at the Juravinski.  I remember vaguely just wanting Timothy to be there, to hold his hand, to feel his presence with me, to tell me that i was all right, to tell me that Ava was all right, that i didn't have to have a colostomy.  To tell me about this strange time in my life that i will never get back, when i was not in one little bit of control over what happened to me.  I'm having a hard time thinking back on that time without being anxious.  How can five hours of your life just disappear?  How did things really go?  I think sometimes i would have liked to have watched from a little perch in the corner of the room as i slowly slipped into unconsciousness and surrendered myself and Ava totally to the care of the surgeons and nurses and anesthetists, as i was intubated, prepped, how the surgery proceeded, what they said as they operated, how they worked together as...

How different an evening tonight was compared to two weeks ago... two weeks ago, i was settling in for a first night in the hospital, the anticipation and anxiety pre-surgery building and worries about how everything would go were piling up around me.  The night was restless and full of tossing and turning.  What would the morning bring?  How would surgery go?  Would the cancer be removed?  Would i end up with an ostomy?  Would i ever feel little Ava again? And now, two weeks later, it seems as if an eternity has passed and yet it's been a short/long fourteen days.  God has been so faithful, blessing us with so many answers to prayer even as we journeyed through that valley of surgery, that vale of the shadow of death.  For we truly didn't know as we submitted to the surgeon's hands, how all would turn out.  Hard to give it over to God and realize that there's a plan in place for my life, for Ava's life, for Timothy and Martha and for all ou...

As i write this post, it feels as if it's been an eternity since i last sat down in front of my computer to type out my thoughts and feelings.  And i also feel that the audience to which i'm writing has grown so rich and varied that i'm almost feeling a little self-conscious about my writing.  But i know that the blog has become a means by which we connect with each other, from far and near, over oceans and across time divides, to meet in this space and share what's been going on.  And so, here goes.. my first post in almost two weeks.  I want first of all to thank my dear dear sister Rachel who has been faithfully transcribing and formulating my rambly evening phone call thoughts into cohesive and insightful blog updates.  I know it must have been very trying for her and I truly appreciate her efforts and gift with words.  Must have been a product of all those books that Mom and Dad read to us over the years, instilling a love for words, reading and writin...

Danielle and Timothy’s home phone number popped up on my call display this evening, and it’s official:  she is discharged from the hospital and back at home.  Such a relief to be under your own roof, in your own space, and to have your own bed back again.  There were a lot of details to wrap up at the hospital before she could go – dressings changed, prescriptions ordered, home care appointments and wound care sorted out – and as you can imagine, this made the day very busy but they made it home by mid-afternoon.  Now there is a new routine to establish, as VON home care will come tomorrow for their initial visit, and they need to get used to life without the 24 hour support of nursing staff.  Danielle is back to a regular diet now, and there are many delicious meals waiting for them in their new freezer downstairs.  They had a good visit with their elder and his wife, caught up with Dad and Mom who will bring Martha home tomorrow morning, and they will tr...

After a few encouraging days, today was a pretty difficult day at the hospital.  The surgery incision is not healing as well as it should, and there was quite a bit of drainage from the site.  This morning when the doctor assessed it, the first layer of the surgical wound re-opened, which was a traumatic and scary experience for Danielle.  There is an interior layer of stitches in the muscle which was still holding the incision together, but you can probably imagine the nightmare scenarios going through her head.  The surgeon re-stitched the incision later today and put in a drain to take out excess fluid so the wound can heal faster.  This setback in healing eradicated the possibility of going home today which was a huge disappointment.  The extra time that the surgeon has been spending caring for Danielle allowed her to get some more questions answered about how the surgery went and the healing process.  We are thankful for an excellent surgeon with...

Another encouraging end-of-the-day chat with Danielle today – she was sounding fairly upbeat and had a pretty good day.  The anti-nausea and pain drugs are doing their work, and she was doing her best job of increasing caloric intake.  She slept pretty well last night, and after waking early she had hoped to catch the sunrise over the city but the fog took over that plan.  It was nice to head over to the hematology ward for a while and hang out at the nurses’ station chatting with her coworkers.  She enjoyed a breakfast date with Laura down in the cafeteria, and intentionally spaced smaller, more frequent meals out during the day.  The dietician went over her intake over the last few days, and she needs to be taking in around 2000 calories to maintain proper nutrition for herself and Ava – she has a few more calories to go to get to that goal.  Increased input is also resulting in increased output, and that has been very encouraging. Carina came for a ...